Mothers Have NeedsToo

"Holiday Season" Tips for Jewish Mothers

2009-10-29T14:28:00.000-07:00

When my son was little, we attended a co-op preschool down in Manhattan Beach where the sole curriculum was “conflict resolution”. As a result of this, none of their art centers contained any holiday references. The children never even came home with a Mother’s or Father’s Day card in case one of their students didn’t have both parents in their lives.

We returned to Santa Cruz in time for my son to start kindergarten. I soon discovered that Santa Cruz had an entirely different policy about holidays. To my amazement, one of the kindergarten teachers had a Christmas tree in her classroom! Then during the springtime, at my daughter’s co-op preschool, I was again confronted by the different policy. One of the art centers contained stickers of bunnies and Easter eggs. When I brought this to the attention of the teacher, her response was, “Those aren’t religious symbols.”

It’s interesting to note that people have differing beliefs about what may or may not be religious symbols. There won’t be a Menorah downtown this year because some thought it was inappropriate to have a religious symbol by the post office. Despite this, I’m sure that there will be plenty Christmas related symbols throughout the downtown this year. Lights, trees, bells, holly and more are displayed all over town in schools, stores, and other public places.

So rather than beat them, I say let’s join them. Most often Jews are a bit shy about public displays of religiosity due to all the anti-Semitism that we’ve encountered. So here’s a way to stand up with pride, along with some strategies for Jewish families with little children. These tips help kids delight in their Jewish identity despite being bombarded by all the fun, brightly colored, and beautiful holiday symbols that just don’t belong to them.

1. When school starts, let the teacher know ahead of time that your child is Jewish and may be absent on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur (our holiday season). Ask for a little consideration and to please not plan any fun and exciting special projects on those days so your child won’t feel left out. Ask the school board and your principal to put the holidays in their school calendar so teachers are aware of them.

2. Around Hanukah, ask your child’s teacher if you can come in to the classroom to make latkes. The children love them! I’ve had kids ask me year after year if I was going to make latkes and I’ve had parents thank me for doing it. If you want, turn this into a cooking lesson. Make it easy on yourself by purchasing bags of frozen shredded potatoes and minced onion from the supermarket. Or simply make them at home and bring them in already warm. Read the Hanukah story from a picture book while they eat. You can even light a menorah to make it truly exciting. After the children are done eating, teach them how to play dreidle. Peanuts in the shell work really well for the kitty – if there are no peanut allergies.

3. Have a latke party at home and invite friends and relatives. Chocolate gelt can be used to play dreidle with. In our family, each person has their own menorah to light. My daughter made a gorgeous menorah one year on top of a square of granite. You’ll need lots of candles for all those menorahs but the light is worth it. After lighting, march around your table, like Maccabees singing Chanukah songs. Did you know that it’s a tradition for Jewish women to simply sit at the table and enjoy the light while the candles burn? Get all your cooking and serving done first and enjoy this relaxing 20 minute-meditation-mitzvah for women only!

4. Use books and CDs to help your children get into the holiday spirit. There are many children’s books that tell the story of Hanukah. One of my favorite picture books is called, “Festival of Lights, The Story of Hanukkah” by Maida Silverman. My daughter always loved the sticker book, “Melly’s Menorah” by Amye Rosenberg. For older children, there is a chapter book called, “Jason’s Miracle: A Hanukkah Story” by Beryl Lieff Benderly. For even older kids and adults, there’s a book called, “The Complete Story of Chanukah” by Nissan Mindel. The best CD I’ve found for Jewish holidays is, “To Life! Chanukah and Other Jewish Celebrations”. Cindy Paley also has a nice Chanukah CD and “A Singing Seder” for Passover – check out mostlymusic.com.

5. Being with other Jewish children helps your child know he/she is not alone in celebrating holidays that are different from most of the other children in school. Community can be found at Temple Beth El, Kol Tefillah, Chadeish Yameinu and Chabad by the Sea. In addition, there are many places for you to learn more about Judaism. My favorite place to go is ChabadbytheSea.com where there are tons of articles, mp3 downloads and videos – all for free. But even if you only know alef, start there, you can teach your children “alef”.

When they’re confronted by the gorgeous, glittery and glowing holiday symbols that permeate our society during the “holidays”, know that you can give your kids something they can enjoy that’s all their own. Children are content to know that some holidays belong to others when they have something special that belongs to them. You can succeed in imparting the very best that Judaism has to offer by enjoying the many Jewish holidays throughout the year. They may not have the glamour and glitter but they can provide your children with deep meaning and miracles, a sense of values, and a heritage they can take immense pride in.

Protect Your Children From Cell Phones

2008-08-26T09:06:00.000-07:00

This is an important issue that I wanted to be sure to have on this website. The fact is, cell phones are well loved by so many people and especially, children. But not many people want to accept the fact that they may be dangerous. The problem is that children love phones and I've seen many babies in my classes given a cell phone to teethe on.

Unfortunately, the incidence of brain cancer in children has grown faster than any other cancer. Low level radiation is suspect. It can be found emitting from your cell phone, wireless computer, cordless phone, tv, radio, clock, electric blanket and the cell tower that lurks close to your home. Cell towers can also be found next to your children's school where we had a second one placed just weeks before a child aged 10, died of a brain tumor.

I've taken a few measures to protect myself and my loved ones. The computer I am typing on is completely wired: the keyboard, the mouse, the internet. I turn off my cell phone unless I need to call someone - which is rarely. If I do use it, I have it in speaker-phone mode and hold it away from my body and don't touch the antennae. My kids don't own their own cell phones and when my son who's 14 needs to have one, I give him mine, turned off, and he's instructed on using the speaker phone when he needs to call us. I am in the process of fighting the proliferation of cell phone towers in my city and county - and especially those placed next to schools.

The following article from Dr. Mercola is an important one for any parent to read. Click on the link directly below this and you'll see a video news report out of the UK.

http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2008/08/26/cell-phone-dangers-what-they-don-t-want-you-to-see.aspx?source=nl


Cell Phone Dangers -- What They Don't Want You to See

You need to see this video about the rapidly emerging
dangers from cell phone radiation. (Please go to the
website for the video)

Here Dr. Charlie Tia, a preeminent Australian
neurosurgeon discusses what he believes is a contributing
factor to this exponential increase in brain tumors among
children: excessive exposure to electromagnetic fields (EMF),
and electromagnetic radiation (EMR) from mobile phones and other electrical and electronic equipment and appliances.

Dr. Mercola's Comments:

Few people realize this, but brain cancer has now surpassed leukemia as the number one cancer killer in children.

Australia has seen an increase in pediatric brain cancers of 21 percent in just one decade. This is consistent with studies showing a 40 percent brain tumor increase across the board in Europe and the U.K. over the last 20 years.

Today, we are quite literally awash in an invisible sea of radio frequencies (RF) and electromagnetic fields (EMF). Sources include home electrical wiring, electrical appliances such as TVs, electric blankets, electric alarm clocks, high tension electrical wires, and certainly mobile phones. More and more people are even reporting being “allergic” to EMF and radio waves.

In the video above, Dr. Tia states that for some reason, some people are more susceptible to the damage caused by EMR and radio frequencies than others, but that all children are at a much greater risk than adults.

But just HOW are electromagnetic fields and information-carrying radio waves capable of causing damage in your body?

Radiation 101

Radio Frequencies (RF), Electro Magnetic Fields (EMF) and X-rays are all produced by electromagnetic sources, and are part of the electromagnetic spectrum. The difference between them is the frequency of their source.

Frequency is measured in hertz (Hz), which is the number of times a wave changes direction—by oscillating up and down—per second. 1 Hz, therefore, means one wave-cycle per second. 1 megahertz (MHz) equals 1,000,000 Hz (wave-cycles) per second.

All electromagnetic energy falls somewhere on the electromagnetic spectrum, ranging from extremely low frequency (ELF) radiation to microwaves, x-rays and gamma rays.

ELF fields include household appliances and overhead power lines. Scientists agree that ELF fields are hazardous to human health. They are considered ‘probable carcinogens’, and have been linked to cases of childhood leukemia, which used to be the biggest cancer killer among children – until now.

It’s a proven fact that at extremely high frequencies, like that of x-rays, the electromagnetic waves have enough force to damage ionic and covalent bonds and damage DNA and other human tissue. This is known as ionizing radiation. Since X-rays have the power to damage the genetic material of cells, they can lead to cancer and birth defects—which is why you wear a lead vest during x-rays to protect the surrounding areas from unnecessary damage.

At lower frequencies, such as the microwave range used by mobile phones and base stations, the energy emitted is too low to damage chemical bonds (non-ionizing radiation). This is the primary argument used by those who believe that cell phone radiation is completely harmless and choose to live in ignorant bliss and refuse to change their unhealthy behavior.

Although extremely low frequencies (ELF’s emitted from appliances and power lines) and extremely high frequencies (ultraviolet and gamma rays) are known to be carcinogenic, the scientific community is extremely hesitant to attach any kind of danger to the in-between frequencies where cell phones operate.

ALWAYS Remember How Truth Evolves

I think it is important to stop and remind you how nearly every scientific advance evolves through the system: As I’ve said before, change is inevitable, and truth generally wins out in the end.

I believe Arthur Schopenhauer said it best when he declared that all truths go through three phases:

First, it is ridiculed
Second, it is violently opposed
Finally, it is accepted as self-evident

So it is not at all surprising that most all “experts” refute the increasing evidence that is coming forth. Please remember that they also did this with cigarettes.

“Can You Hear Me Now?” – Modulated Radio Waves are All Around You

The transmitter in your phone operates on about 0.75 watt (or much less, if you're close to a base station) to 1 watt of power, with 2 W at peak usage. This electric current running through the transmitter circuit also creates an electromagnetic field around it. As the electric current moves back and forth, the fields continue to build and collapse, forming electromagnetic radiation.

Thus, cell phone radiation is generated in the transmitter, and is emitted through the antenna in the form of radio waves. In the case of cell phones, the frequencies of these radio waves fall in the low microwave range.

Most experts base their cell phone safety recommendations on the basic sinusoidal wave, also known as a “carrier signal." However, what they fail to recognize is that the danger does not come just from the carrier wave but also from a modulated signal that actually carries the data or your voice, which operates at a different frequency than the carrier signal.

The problem is that many of your body’s processes also operate in this frequency range.

In fact, your cells are loaded with receptors that specifically respond to these signals. So when you are exposed to these information carrying radio waves, the receptors are stimulated. Once that happens the delicate microtubular connections between your cells become impaired.

These crucial intercellular connections are responsible for communication between your cells. Once they start to fail, your cells “lock up” and retain far more heavy metals and free radicals, which can wreak havoc in your body.

One of the main concerns associated with cell phone use is that the phone is pressed to your head. Since electromagnetic radiation shoots out—at the speed of light—in all directions, this radiation can penetrate into your brain. And, as I discussed in another recent article, Cancer Institute Warns of Cell Phone Risks, electromagnetic radiation can penetrate almost straight through the entire brain of a 5-year old child.

Newer Technology More Harmful Than Older Ones

Making matters worse, modern Digital Service and PCS cell phones—as opposed to analog cell phones—have two additional low frequency magnetic fields associated with them.

“Time division multiple access” (TDMA), is one of the systems currently used to increase the number of people who can communicate simultaneously with a base station. The process of TDMA results in a continuous low frequency pulsing at 8 to 34 Hz. Some phones also have the energy-saving discontinuous transmission mode (DTX), which emits yet a third, even lower frequency that pulses at 2 Hz when the user is listening and not speaking.

Since extremely low frequency radiation (ELF) has been shown to cause cancer—like leukemia—these additional ELF’s raise new questions.

Many warn that our current technology is in fact far more dangerous in this respect than previous analog models.

How Information-Carrying Radio Waves Impact Your Body

Although cell phone radiation is of low intensity, it is the oscillatory similarity between this pulsed microwave radiation and certain electrochemical activities within your body that raises serious concerns, according to the study Physics and biology of mobile telephony, published in The Lancet.

Your body is essentially a very sensitive electromagnetic instrument, controlled by highly complex and orderly oscillatory electrical processes. Each one of these electro-biological processes vibrate at a specific frequency—some of which happen to be close to those used in modern GSM cell phone technology.

The pulsating, low-intensity microwaves from mobile phones can exert subtle, non-thermal influences on the human biology simply because microwaves are waves. As such, they have properties other than just intensity (which is the only part regulated by safety guidelines).

Therefore, much in the same way as a radio can receive interference, your biological processes can be interfered with by the oscillatory aspect of the incoming radiation.

Highly organized electrical processes at the cellular level are especially vulnerable to interference from cell phone radiation, because their frequency happens to fall within the microwave range.

Many of these biological activities are influenced by your metabolism, meaning the effect of the radiation will be different from one person to another.

The effect could also depend on the type of cell phone used, as different cell phones emit radiation at different frequencies.

Ultra-low intensity microwaves can affect processes as fundamental as cell division, and the TDMA frequencies of 8-34 Hz, and the DTX pulse frequency at 2 Hz, correspond to the frequencies of alpha and delta brain waves.

Therefore, your body has a two-fold sensitivity to cellular phone signals:

The microwave radiation itself, plus
The lower frequency oscillations of the TDMA and DTX signals.

In addition to that, there’s also the packet rate of newer 3G phones, which is 250 Hz. One good example of how someone may be vulnerable to the non-thermal electromagnetic influence is the ability of a flashing light (at about 15 Hz) to induce seizures in people with photosensitive epilepsy. It’s not the energy absorption itself that causes the seizure. Rather it’s because the brain recognizes the information being transmitted via the pulsating light, since it’s delivered at a frequency your brain uses.

How Tissue Damage Can Occur Without Heat

In 2004, a Swedish physicist named Bo Sernelius, stumbled across a surprising finding that suggests non-thermal mobile phone radiation can cause a massive increase in the forces that living cells exert on each other. He discovered that electromagnetic forces might act on cells by affecting the attractive forces between them, without thermal heating.

How?

Water molecules have poles of positive and negative electrical charge that create attractive forces between cells, known as van der Waals forces.Van der Waals forces are much weaker than chemical bonds. And, whereas chemical bonds need high frequency ionizing radiation in order to break, van der Waals forces are disrupted by much smaller thermal fluctuations. These intermolecular forces may be weak, but without them, life as we know it would be impossible.

Sernelius found that the water molecules inside cells will try to align their positive and negative poles with the alternating field produced by cell phone radiation. The result? They all end up pointing in the same direction, and this strengthens the van der Waals forces.

In the fields of 850 MHz (around the frequency used by mobile phones), the van der Waals forces leap—from a billionth-billionth of a Newton, to micro Newton strength—a massive jump of around 11 orders of magnitude.

Although it’s still only theoretical, this may be the missing link when trying to explain tissue damage from non-ionizing, non-thermal radiation. Stronger attractive forces between cells can also make them clump together, and cause blood vessels to contract.

Why Children are More Susceptible to Damage

A 2006 study performed by the University of Helsinki in Finland, found that EMF from mobile phones at 902 MHz has an adverse effect on children’s memory and recognition, when measured by EEG.

Preadolescent children are particularly vulnerable because absorption of GSM microwaves is greatest in an object about the size of a child’s head, due to the “head resonance” effect. This is also why 900 MHz cordless phones are not safe, even though they aren’t transmitting all the time.

Radiation can also penetrate the thinner skull of an infant much more easily, which is why wireless baby monitors are such a menace, and should be avoided as well.

Additionally, the repetition frequencies of the TDMA and the DTX lie in the range of the alpha and delta brainwaves respectively. In a child, the alpha waves don’t replace delta waves as a stable activity until they’re about 12 years old.

Children’s immune systems are also degraded by this kind of radiation, making them more susceptible to illnesses of ALL kinds.

I’ve written more and more about this issue over the past two years, including an entire book on the subject, which is due out in 2009, as I truly believe this is a public health disaster waiting to be unleashed – much like smoking turned out to be.

For my best recommendations on how to protect yourself and your children, please see this link.

Related Articles:

Great Example Why You Simply Can't Believe That Cell Phones Are Safe

Why Your Cell Phone Can Hurt Your Children

How Cellphone Radiation Affects Your Cells

Emotional Freedom with EFT

2008-03-11T11:03:00.000-07:00

A Cool Self-Help & Therapy Tool

Wouldn’t it be nice to be able to lessen the impact of traumatic situations? The Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) work especially well with simple issues. All that’s needed is time to focus on your pain while lightly tapping on specific points on your face and upper body.

The tapping points come from the ancient science of Chinese medicine. For example, an Acupuncturist uses needles on these points to balance and heal your body. In EFT, we tap on these points while focusing the mind on a bothersome situation, difficult feeling, or old trauma. It’s as if we’re doing “emotional acupressure”.

I became interested in this technique when I learned it works well to eliminate headaches and migraines. When I started working with it though, I realized how useful it can be for simple emotional upsets like embarrassing situations, arguments, or fears.

What’s great about this technique is that most of the time, it can be used like any self-help tool – by yourself, for yourself. At other times, though, it’s a good idea to get assistance from someone who has expertise in using EFT. Especially if your issues are very deep and complex, it’s nice to have an expert to support you.

How EFT Works

Did you know that the body holds memories? One way we protect ourselves from difficult experiences is by storing them in an unconscious place in the body. Have you ever noticed how your neck and shoulders tighten when you’re stressed? Or maybe your tummy starts doing summersaults when you’re scared? It could be that the body holds onto unresolved issues for us until we have solutions to them.

The person who developed EFT, Gary Craig, theorized that the negative feelings we experience come from blockages in the meridian energy pathways that are associated with Chinese medicine. When we experience a difficult situation in our lives, it’s like a shock goes through the body and these pathways get blocked. To help us understand this blockage, Lindsay Kinney, Life Coach and EFT Master says the blocks in these meridians are like a kink in a hose. Tapping gently on the beginnings of these meridians while focusing on our feelings, unblocks the kink.

New Energy, New Solutions

When the energy that’s been blocked starts to flow again, new ideas and solutions can come to you. At the beginning of the tapping process, you allow yourself to simply vent. Then once that’s out of the way (or the kink is unblocked), you may find yourself open to new possibilities that automatically come to mind. Stay aware of what’s going on inside of you. Then, as you entertain these new possibilities while tapping, it’s like you’re downloading into your very being, new ways of approaching your issues. So not only does EFT allow the negative feelings to be validated and expressed, but it allows you to reinforce any positive affirmations that come to you as you tap.

It’s Free

The best part about EFT is that you can practice it in the comfort of your own home with a manual that can be downloaded for free. As long as you familiarize yourself with the basic steps, you can innovate and you’re never doing it wrong. Gary Craig’s site contains tons of articles where people share their own innovations with the technique along with experiences, methods and examples of just about any issue, topic or physical malady you could imagine. Many of the practitioners have articles posted on their websites too where you can get even more help.

Good luck tapping!

View the 7-minute EFT Introduction Video

Tapping Points Lindsay's "Power" tapping points

EFT Basic Instructions - Step by Step tapping instructions

Gary Craig’s original Free Manual: http://www.emofree.com/downloadeftmanual.asp

Coaching for your tapping: http://www.MothersHaveNeedsToo.com/EmotionalFreedomEFT.htm

Mothers Have Needs Too!

2007-11-04T20:36:00.001-08:00

Mothers Have Needs Too!

Mother's work is 24/7 with no bathroom breaks. The job requires wisdom, intelligence, patience, skill, physical labor, & inner strength, yet gives little recognition & no pay. In fact, the world gets a free ride on the backs of dedicated mothers willing to perform this selfless service out of the deep and abiding love they have for their children.

You Are Important!

Women have a natural talent and skill to be nurturers. This allows them to be able focus on the needs of others. Some women have the knack for knowing just how to meet other's needs before they are even articulated. This is a skill that fosters safety and security in the children who are lucky enough to have nurturing mothers. It enables children to grow in self-confidence and self-esteem. Unfortunately, this skill can sometimes make it hard for mothers to remember to occasionally focus on themselves.

The danger is that if you don't meet your own needs, mothering can become a drain of precious energy. You might find that your patience grows thin and your marriage becomes strained or you may find yourself resenting the job of motherhood. The entire family can lose when their source of emotional support is unable to be there with the enthusiasm that is needed. You are an important lifeline for your family. When you are caring for others in this way, you will need to get support for yourself to continue to do this job well.

Mothers Need Support
Our culture values independence. The word, "dependence" is usually associated with the weak and powerless. When you become a mother, you become dependent in a lot of ways but this doesn't necessarily mean you have to be weak and powerless. In fact, if you are raising young children, you couldn't possibly be weak and powerless. It takes a lot of strength to raise children and to manage a household. Giving birth itself takes physical and emotional strength. After giving birth, your body will need to recover as you transition into the new life of caring for a baby. People bring packages of food and sometimes a parent or in-law will stay to help. This is a fact of family life - we are interdependent with one another and we care for and about each other. Your parents and husband and extended family care for you as you care for your children and eventually you will care for your parents as they age, just as your children will care for you. (See In The Shelter Of Each Other, by Mary Pipher)

The tricky thing about all this is to know how to care for yourself when you are a caregiver. Sometimes it's simply knowing how to ask for support when you need it. Caregiving can be an all-consuming occupation where the focus is on the other person's needs, be that person a child or an elder. It can be exhausting and isolating. Caregivers benefit from the support of others so that they can do their job well. This is where family, support groups, parenting classes, co-ops, therapy groups, private psychotherapy or counseling can help. Getting the support you need can make all the difference in your caregiving.

Support Groups and Psychotherapy

Support groups and co-ops are ways to find peers to support you through this time in your life. The isolation will be broken when you find that there are other people who experience the same things that you do. You will be renewed through developing friendships and connections with others. Caring for yourself by having someone to talk to is invaluable for a mother. But sometimes there are things that are not very easy to discuss with friends and then it helps to have a counselor or therapist to talk to.

Counseling can help. Sometimes just knowing you have set aside this special time just for *you* can make all the difference in the world. When you get to talk to a psychotherapist or a counselor, your needs, feelings and questions are your only focus. Just having that uninterrupted time to be heard and to hear yourself can rejuvenate your whole outlook. You'll become better at meeting your own needs too. You'll begin to remember your values, interests and joys. Caring for yourself in this way reawakens a profound understanding of how important you are. You'll feel a renewed sense of pride in the job of motherhood and will have more energy to mother with love.

©2007 Allison Gilbert, LMFT www.MothersHaveNeedsToo.com

Find Other Mothers

2007-11-03T16:33:00.000-07:00

Find Other Mothers

When I had my first baby, I cared for him all alone. My mom worked and lived an hour away. My sister worked and lived even further away. My friends worked and paid for childcare. When I went to the local park, I was surrounded by Spanish - speaking nannies. There were no other kids or moms home in our neighborhood.

When I finally found other moms, my life changed for the better. I became a happier mom and my child benefited from interaction with other kids. The first way I found other moms was through a Mommy and Me class offered by the Adult School in our community. Just being able to get out and talk to another adult can be so energizing for a new mother. New mothers may have to make an effort to seek out other mothers but this task gets easier as children grow older and are in school.

Other moms can be a great support for mothers. You get tips and ideas you weren't able to think of on your own. Or you might get some encouragement to move forward with the ideas you already had but were afraid to try. When you feel comfortable enough to reveal your own insecurities to another mom, you will discover you are not alone. Other moms will help you see that the challenges of being a mother are universal and that we can all find our own way through them.

Here are some places where you can connect with other moms:

Support Groups: There are many support groups in Santa Cruz. Many communities now have a local parent newspaper or magazine. Check out the hospitals or look in the calendar sections of newspapers - especially "Growing Up in Santa Cruz." I also have a workshop/support group that I teach periodically. Find out more about the workshop on this page.

Yahoo Groups/Discussion Forums: There are several yahoo groups that I am aware of in Santa Cruz and the surrounding areas. These groups share info and meet for walks and celebrations.
"Sutter Grads", "Boulder Creek Family Network" and "santacruzbabiesFall2007" are a few of the names I know.
Here are some links and email addresses I am aware of:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/santacruzbabies2007fall/
santacruzmommy@yahoogroups.com
santacruzjews@yahoogroups.com
cruznbabies@yahoogroups.com
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/cruzmoms2007/
Another wonderful place to have discussion with other mothers is www.MayasMom.com where you'll find groups on an assortment of different topics.

Co-Ops: As soon as your child is 2 or 3, you may be able to join a local co-op preschool. Co-ops are preschools where parents are required to stay on certain days to help the teacher. Sometimes they will combine preschool with parent education. So you'll get to learn parenting skills while you hang around for your toddler's first school experience. Co-ops are a lot of fun and they are a great place to meet other moms. Contact them early since they fill up fast.

Classes: Parenting classes, Yoga classes, exercise classes, art classes, music classes, mommy and me classes - try out any class you can find that interests you or your child.

Churches & Temples: Many families gravitate toward communities that will enrich their child's spiritual and moral education. You will find a source of support and a way to connect with parents who may have the same values as you do. Churches and Temples always seem to place a strong value on children and families.

Parks: Depending on the town you live in, parks can be a great place to meet other moms with kids. If one park doesn't work, try a different one in another neighborhood. Strike up a conversation by asking the other mother about her child's age or if she has her child in school yet or what plans she has around schooling.

Other moms can be a vital resource for your important work at home. You deserve to be supported and develop connections with others that enrich you. The connections you make for yourself can strengthen you and help you create a community for your family. Do something good for yourself and your family this week - find some other mothers.

©2006 Allison Gilbert, M.A., L.M.F.T; Free Tips
www.MothersHaveNeedsToo.com

Rewrite Your Job Description

2007-11-02T08:36:00.000-07:00

Rewrite Your Job Description

My workshop flyer lays out the mother's job description with some humor, though for most of us, it does sound familiar: work 24/7 for no pay...managing daily complaints from very small clients. (See full job description here.) Writing a job description for the at-home mother is in fact, one of the workshop's goals.

Fulfillment on the Job
The workbook materials contain lots of great articles written by mothers. One insightful article, "Am I the Manager or the Maid?" by Janet Dittmer, shows how useful it is to simply change your job description from being the maid to being the manager of your household.

Transforming the Challenges
Rewriting your job description can resolve many of the challenges we experience as mothers. Do you feel overwhelmed? Frustrated? Depressed? Worthless? Isolated? Depleted? The workshop addresses these challenges by helping you rewrite your job description. Below is an outline of how that's done in each session.

Transforming Frustration & Depression
Session 1: Look at your expectations of yourself as a mother. Are your expectations realistic or unrealistic? When your child is crying, does that mean you're a bad mother? When your house is messy, does that mean you've failed at this job? What do you expect of yourself and what do you expect from others? Unspoken expectations of others create resentment. Negotiate, speak up and ask for what you need - you just may get it.

Tackling Unworthiness
Session 2: Rewrite your job description so that it begins with the needs of your children. Rather than being overwhelmed by those needs, simply use the fact of your children needing you to validate your decision to be home with them.

Handling Overwhelm
Session 3: Next the workbook shows you a list of all the tasks a mother performs. From breastfeeding and holding to carpooling, scheduling dental appointments and dishwashing - the list fills two full pages. Think about the monetary value of each task. Decide which tasks you like, don't like, and which you can get help with.

Addressing Physical & Emotional Depletion
Session 4: What are your interests? Can you incorporate them into your daily tasks with your children? Or do you need to take some time away from the kids to be able to include your interests in your job description? Which interests have you put aside that you used to enjoy with your husband? Bring those interests back.

Breaking Isolation
Session 5: Creating community is also a task included in mother's job description. Where can you find the people you can share your lives with? The more support you have on the job, the better you'll do with it.

Generating Feelings of Self-Worth
Session 6: Your identity is an important component of rewriting your job description. Who are you now? What is your life about? How do you appraise your job performance at home?

Pride in Your Job
Rewrite your job description so you can validate your choice to be primary caregiver for your children. In a society that values people for what they can produce in the marketplace, it serves all of us to take pride in what we're producing at home. Feel good about your choice by meeting your own needs too.

©2007 Allison Gilbert, M.A., L.M.F.T.; Free Tips
www.MothersHaveNeedsToo.com

Asking Your Husband for Money

2007-11-01T20:30:00.000-07:00

Asking Your Husband for Money

Mothers Need Support

New moms, especially those who’ve just given birth, are consumed by work that allows very little time to make money. Rarely do women start their families with money in the bank. So with no financial resources to fall back on, mothers need financial support from somewhere.

Who's Going to Give It?

You’d think that when a woman is in this type of vulnerable position, caring for a newborn or tending to small children, she could depend on her husband to pick up the slack. The novel idea goes like this: she would focus on the demanding work of childcare while he brings home the bacon. Unfortunately, many men these days were never brought up to think that it’s up to him to support his wife.

Often these husbands expect their wives to pull their own weight. Even after giving birth! I just don’t get it. You’d think that a father would feel some pride in the fact that he can care for his family.

In my work with mothers, I’ve seen over and over how challenging it can be for them to get what they need from their husbands. A mother seems to feel she needs to get his permission first in order to spend any money on herself.

Don't Ask For Permission

My suggestion is to not ask permission for what you need and want. Get it in your mind that his money is your money too. You work very hard for it, 24/7. If you didn’t care for his children, who would? And what would he have to pay that person to do the work you're doing?

You need to be able to have a monthly or weekly or daily amount to spend without having to discuss it with him. When I had babies, I told my husband that I wasn't willing to have to ask him for money every time I needed to go to the grocery store. And I didn't have the patience or time to even go to the bank! So what worked for us was to have a wad of cash hidden in our home somewhere that both of us could take money from as needed and that he replenished as it dwindled down. It's important that you both decide on what your budget is and then stay within that budget without having to keep tabs on each other.

Learn How To Communicate

For bigger purchases, aside from the daily, ongoing expenses you might have, it's important to learn how to communicate without asking for his permission. First, get real clear about what you want or need and make sure you're serious about it. Next, learn how to communicate with him. Pick a time when he’s in a good mood, relaxed, and feeling close to you. Using “right timing” is not being manipulative, just practical. No one can really hear anything when they’ve got other things bothering them.

Give Directions

Last, let him know what you want without asking him if it’s ok with him. Generally, men respond better to directions. Women are used to getting agreement and consensus before moving forward with something that affects others. But in this case, asking permission does not work. You need to believe that getting what you want benefits him too. Come from that place: expect he would, of course, understand that. You don’t have to say, “this will help you too,” but instead, you can say, “this way I can prevent myself from being depleted, depressed, tired, etc.”

I'm not saying go ahead and do whatever you want and spend whatever you want whether he disagrees or not. Sometimes, no matter how you approach him, he may disagree. Then you can decide whether what you're wanting is worth going for or not even without his agreement. But you can give yourself a better chance for gaining his support by using the skills outlined above. Tell your husband what you want and need. He wants you to be well so you can take care of everyone, including him! In the end, the entire family wins when you get what you need too.

Holistic Shame and Guilt

2007-10-23T10:09:00.000-07:00

Holistic Shame and Guilt

Holistic with Drawbacks
Santa Cruz is a real hot spot for natural health and holistic healing. We’re lucky to live in such a place. On the other hand, there are some drawbacks too. There can be heaps of shame involved with not living up to what you believe is the right, correct, best, most holistic, natural, and healthy way to live. Mothers especially, can suffer unnecessarily when this shame and guilt shows up in the area of birthing, breastfeeding, and caring for their own sick bodies.

Birthing Guilt-Free
So many of us go into our pregnancies with organic foods, supplements, natural birth, and home birth plans in place. Our beliefs often go like this: babies and mothers do best when the birth process is a natural one, done at home or in the hospital/birthing center, with no drugs, having a doula present, and with a midwife, etc. But birth can be a painful, scary process that requires the kind of surrender that sometimes a woman can only achieve through the assistance of medication - even in the easiest of births. Taking care of yourself by getting whatever you need, so you can get through a difficult situation, shows your personal power, and is not something to be ashamed of.

Baby Feeding Guilt-Free
Next, how many women feel guilt and shame over feeding their babies formula rather than breast milk? I loved breastfeeding, and as a new mother, I could never understand why any mother would not want to have that enjoyable experience. But as I've grown as a parent, so have many of my closed-minded opinions about parenting. Truly, if someone for some reason, can’t breastfeed or has to supplement her milk or has to take some medication she’s afraid to pass along or even if she just doesn’t want to bother with breastfeeding, why should she feel guilty about her choice? But did you also realize that if you don't want to grow your own organic vegetables just so you can make your own organic baby food, you really don't have to do that either? The job of motherhood is hard enough without all the shoulds we place on ourselves.

Physical Healing Guilt-Free
Last but not least, if you are dealing with a difficult symptom that’s messing with your quality of life and your ability to care for your family, and your natural medicine hasn't totally helped, I say it’s time to scrap the holistic doctor and seek some western medicine. You don’t need to struggle through, soldier on, and push your way around daily depression, anxiety, or pain if the natural way isn’t giving you the immediate relief you need and deserve. Get help for yourself now, so you can enjoy this brief, fleeting stage of your life. There's no shame in being able to be in the moment, there for your life when it's happening, rather than regretting never having lived it.

Be Flexible
There are so many ways that we apply pressure on ourselves as mothers but the “natural” thing is supposed to help us, not hurt us. Don’t let it get out of hand. Be flexible with yourself and gentle with each other. Know that there is a place for both organic ways of living and a place and time when other choices need to be made for the greater good of your family. You deserve to be happy and they do too.

Allison Gilbert, LMFT, Free Tips
www.MothersHaveNeedsToo.com

Reflux, Colic & Special Needs Babies

2007-10-07T13:41:00.000-07:00

Reflux, Colic & Special Needs Babies

The Rude Awakening

Around three weeks post-partum, some of us mothers get the rude awakening that our babies are very unhappy. Our doctors may prescribe zantac for reflux or simply tell us our babies have colic and there’s nothing we can do about it. We have to resign ourselves to living with sleepless nights and screaming days and isolation due to the shame we feel around other mothers with their contented babies.

Depression & Special Needs

It’s interesting that the rate of post-partum depression and the rate of colic are both one in four. I know that there have got to be some mothers who develop depression even with a contented baby but I can’t imagine how any mother could avoid depression with a colicky or reflux baby. And of course it must be even harder for mothers who have babies with even more severe special needs.

Nothing Worked

I remember the shock I went through when my newborn first started screaming 5 minutes into every feeding. Arched back, mouth open, wailing face up toward the moon, he cried night and day. He wouldn’t sleep more than 45 minutes at a time. I could nurse him to sleep and then set a clock by his waking pattern. Nothing I did would soothe him.

I tried mylicon, cutting out everything from my diet that could hurt his tummy, chamomile tea, camomilla homeopathic remedy, burping, rocking, swinging…. My husband would swing him violently back and forth in his arms and he would finally stop screaming…as long as his arms could keep up the motion. I would hold him all day long…he never seemed able to be away from me for a moment…not in the car seat, not in the stroller, not in the high chair (even when he got older).

Sleep Deprivation is Torture

I began to understand why sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture. I started to lose my mind from lack of sleep. During day or night, whether my baby was crying or not, I would hear him crying. Auditory hallucination can result from sleep deprivation. People tell you to sleep when your baby sleeps but for someone who’s used to being woken up a ½ hour after falling asleep, you begin to just stay awake, so you won’t have to feel the torture of having to be woken up. After awhile, you just become so anxious; you hold vigil all night long, watching over your baby to make sure he’s sleeping.

Success

Once I got my baby on the zantac and the cisipride (which has now been taken off the market due to babies dying from it-OY!!), his crying decreased. I felt like I was given a completely new baby. I could actually take him out of the house and join the world again.

My fears that he would be difficult for me forever were unfounded. Once he started walking, he no longer needed the medication. He never was a good sleeper until he got to be 2 or 3 and slept with Daddy. Today, at age 13, he’s been sleeping through the night for over 10 years, he’s mild mannered, sensitive, highly intelligent and a picky eater. He’s turned into quite an independent 13 year old boy. But he never grew out of a very strong gag reflex.

I’m Still Recovering

It seems like my son has fully recovered from the stress-filled beginnings of his life. I’m a different story. The wear and tear on my body from that first year still lives on in the wrinkles on my face. I have never fully recovered from the insomnia but it’s not a nightly occurrence anymore. When I work with new mothers who have reflux babies, a part of my psyche heals each time I recognize the irrational self-blame she feels.

When I had my second child and realized how easy it was to soothe her, another part of my psyche healed. It is not your fault if your baby is inconsolable. Colic and reflux are like migraines and cancer. They are conditions or diseases that there is no known cure for in the modern western medical field. You didn’t cause them and you can’t blame yourself for their existence. All you can do is learn to cope with them the best that you can. (See book referenced below).

Blessing in Disguise

Having a special needs baby does offer it’s blessings in disguise. And this is where coping well with the conditions we can’t control comes in. When you have a baby who needs so much attention, your priorities become sharpened into focus right away. Work outside the home pales in comparison to the work you can do for your own child. As difficult as it is to understand what your child needs for comfort or health and healing, you become the one person best equipped to do the research and to give that comfort. You and your child develop a very close bond and your reason and purpose for living becomes as clear as day.

So give yourself a break if you have a special needs child. I’m sure you’re doing the best you can with the circumstances you’ve been dealt. Motherhood is not an easy job when there’s nothing out of the ordinary to deal with. You deserve plenty of support to do the hefty job you’ve been assigned and don’t be afraid to ask for it. Always remember how lucky your child is to have a loving mother like you!

Allison Gilbert, LMFT; Free Tips ©2007
www.MothersHaveNeedsToo.com

Check out "When Your Baby Won't Stop Crying" by Tonja Krautter. More about the book on her website: http://drtonja.com/publications/

Jewish Men Dancing

2007-10-01T11:11:00.000-07:00

Jewish Men Dancing

Mothering & Religion

Mothers usually like to impart some kind of moral, ethical, religious, spiritual, cultural or communal education to their children. When my kids were little, Chabad was perfect for my family. No membership required and the kids could run up and down the aisles during services and even the rabbi’s own children could interrupt him with questions. Fit my kind of parenting to a tee. Plus, I was intrigued by the traditions that went back to ancient times. Made me so happy to see that the religion of my ancestors and of all the martyred European Jews was alive and well and thriving.

Differences Between Men & Women

I also grew to love and appreciate Chabad for recognizing and acknowledging that there’s a real difference between men and women. (Now, the following are my own musings and not necessarily the philosophy of Chabad...) Women are just naturally and automatically spiritual beings. They really don’t need a whole lot of coaxing or ritual requirements and because of their responsibilities to children’s needs, women can’t be required to perform many time-bound rituals. Mothering itself is such moral, spiritual work, one doesn't need much more ritual than that! Plus it creates the next generation of Jewish people and sets the tone for the entire home! Men, on the other hand, absolutely need to have many more ritual obligations and requirements than women do, like being part of a minyan, or they just won’t show up. So, nowhere else but at Chabad, will you get to see the wondrous, rare sight of Jewish men dancing and singing together on a Jewish holiday.

Jewish Holy Days

Many people aren't aware of this but the High Holy Days for the Jewish people lasts for an entire month and consists of several different holidays that start with Rosh HaShanah and end with a holiday called, "Simchas Torah". This Wednesday 10/3 at 7pm and Thursday 10/4 at 7:30pm, Chabad by the Sea will host a dancing and singing service/party for Simchas Torah.

Rosh HaShanah & Yom Kippur

The progression of the Jewish High holy days goes something like this: First there are the prayers of the new year that focus on the "King's Coronation." Next, there are the ten days of repentance and repair work between man and his fellow culminating in the day long fast and prayer of Yom Kippur. On this day, while fasting from sundown to sundown, they read from a prayer book which lists all the wrongs they may have committed throughout the past year along with all the incredible forgiveness that's given to mankind despite all the wrongs.

Sukkot

A few days later there's the holiday of Sukkot and the Jewish people are all sitting under the sky in vulnerable, little huts they've built in their yards, enjoying meals together. If you were lucky enough to attend a service at Chabad during this time, you got to see the men marching seven times around in a circle with their fascinating ritual objects: a fruit called an "estrog" and twigs, leaves and branches tied together, called, a "lulav". While marching, they chanted the ancient Hebrew prayer seven times with a cry that pierced the heart,

"Help us, we beseech You: For Your sake, our God, help us, we beseech You.

For your sake, our Creator, help us, we beseech You.

For your sake, our Redeemer, help us, we beseech You.

For Your sake, You who seeks us, help us, we beseech You."

Simchas Torah

Then, the last in the series of holidays, Simchas Torah, should not be missed by anyone in the Santa Cruz Jewish community as it is the most festive. On Simchas Torah, you will see the Jewish men dancing around in circles with the Torah in their arms and children on their shoulders. The Torah is sacred to the Jewish people. It is the Five Books of Moses written by hand on parchment scrolls. A part of this Torah is read each week throughout the year, so that by Simchas Torah, the entire Torah is completed. The word, "simcha" in Hebrew means "happiness" or "celebration" or "joy".

As the Chabad rabbi's father-in-law, Rabbi Lerman said, "What we didn't accomplish through tears on Yom Kippur, we accomplish through joy on Sukkot and Simchas Torah." Do you like to sing Jewish songs or to dance to Jewish songs? Come see Jewish men dancing together with the Torah at Chabad by the Sea 406 Mission St. on Wednesday or Thursday night this week. The women will be dancing together too!

Join a Spiritual Community

One of our many tasks as mothers is to raise children who know right from wrong. Joining a spiritual community is one of the ways we can connect with others and support our own learning. Jewish or not, it’s important for all of us to know there’s a Higher Authority in our lives and that there are rules we need to live by in order to make this world a better place. There are also roles that help us find our purpose, and rituals and holy times that mark our days with gratitude.

Allison Gilbert, LMFT

www.MothersHaveNeedsToo.com

Keep Your Own Interests

2007-09-02T20:26:00.000-07:00

Keep Your Own Interests

What Do I Do?
When I was a new mom, I had no idea what I was supposed to be doing. As a child, I'd never babysat and never took care of younger siblings. My mother worked outside of the home, so I didn't have a role model for how a mother did the at home job full-time. I found myself wondering, "What am I supposed to be doing every day?"

Deadlines vs Play
I didn't know anything about making a life for myself without appointments, deadlines and plans. I wasn't really good at relaxing and I didn't know how to be in the moment or how to play. My life had always been about my own personal goals and achievement. Now with a baby to care for, my life became more about putting aside my agenda, going with the flow and following my baby's lead.

Adjusting
Once I made the adjustment to this entirely new life, I remember repeatedly saying to myself, "Oh! This is what it's about!" For me, what it was about was simply doing what I liked to do. Sounds ridiculously obvious, but to me, it wasn't.

What Do You Like?
What do you need to schedule into your week to make this new life work for you? If this question puzzles you, start to answer it by noticing what you enjoy as you go through your day. Do you enjoy cuddle time? Do you need more socializing with other moms? Do you want some more alone time? What do you do with your alone time? What do you crave doing? How can you begin to incorporate some of what you crave into your life at home with your kids?

Examples of Keeping Your Interests
Here are some simple examples:

I like reading, so I find time to read by myself and to my children. We also go to the library for fun and order books online through the library website.
I like watching movies. This was one thing I noticed my husband and I had in common but once kids came, we put that aside. So now, I make sure we watch movies together. I also get age appropriate videos/DVDs and watch them with my children. (This gets even better as they get older.)
I like to practice self-help techniques and so I teach them to my children. For example, I have some positive affirmation cards by Louise Hay and we shuffle them while focusing on a question and then pull a card and discuss how it answers the question.
I'm interested in my religion, so my kids learn, practice and share that with me too.
I like cooking & baking, music, bike-riding, skating, cats, dogs, hotels, Hawaii, Carmel, Israeli folk-dancing, nutrition, trees, friends, computers, karaoke, guitars, pianos, swimming, the beach, hot tubs, swings, etc., etc...and my kids get to share in every one of these things.

You can still enjoy what you love even when you have another person's life to manage.

Fulfillment at Home
Hold onto your interests. They are what makes life enjoyable and interesting and what makes your job at home fulfilling. It's no accident that you are the mother of these children. It's you they came to learn from and your interests they will enjoy.

©2007 Allison Gilbert, M.A., L.M.F.T.; Free Tips
www.MothersHaveNeedsToo.com

Defrag Your Marriage

2007-09-01T08:39:00.000-07:00

Defrag Your Marriage

A Tree vs The Blame Game
I read an article about a couple who sought counseling for their relationship problems. They had a list of complaints about each other but after some history-taking, there was one glaring situation they'd experienced that they forgot to mention: seven years prior, the husband had been diagnosed with a (benign) brain tumor. The article showed how they came into therapy blaming each other rather than the "huge tree that fell on their home" (the brain tumor).

A Baby is Like a Tree
Having a baby is also like having a huge tree fall on your home. It falls on the house and nothing is ever the same again. Your marriage gets put on hold, while you attend to an "invalid" who can't give back, needing constant care. You may also develop a major illness, similar to a benign brain tumor: it's called, "postpartum depression". It's a wonder couples make it at all.

A Marriage is Like a Computer
If the new baby is like a fallen tree, a marriage is like a computer. For example, if there isn't a chance to touch base and communicate in your marriage, your inbox will fill up with resentments until the deleted items are emptied. Lots of "stuff" builds up over time and before long, you can't download any more of your favorite love songs because there's no more room on the hard drive. Your computer/marriage starts to act funny, slows down and becomes completely frustrating.

Before and After
I remember BC (before children) when I could easily find the right time to communicate with my husband and get back on track with him. I would clean out my inbox regularly and clear up my hurt feelings before they'd turn into resentments. But AC (after children), if we were ever able to find time together, I'd just collapse and fall asleep. If I could stay awake, I was so sleep deprived that I'd forget what I needed to say, or my words didn't come out right, or he'd be so on edge anyway that we'd just end up in a fight.

Cleaning Up Hard Drive
It gets easier as kids get older but by that time, your inbox may be so full you forget a tree fell on your house. As you attempt to defrag your marriage, remember to blame the situation of having had a tree fall on your home rather than blaming your husband's shortcomings. Forgive yourself and your husband for having such a full hard drive. Eventually, you'll be able to clean up and uncover the love, commitment, responsibility and character that make up the "operating system" of your marriage. This operating system is what has kept your marriage together all along.

©2007 Allison Gilbert, M.A., L.M.F.T.; Free Tips
www.MothersHaveNeedsToo.com

Your Health Matters

2007-07-20T20:59:00.000-07:00

Your Health Matters

A Mother's Health Tasks
One of the biggest tasks of the mothering job involves making important health decisions for our family. It's often mothers rather than fathers who become informed on health issues. Mothers make the appointments or purchase the medications and/or health supplements. In addition, food and diet are often at the forefront of every mother's mind. What's for breakfast? Is it going to be that sugary cereal or something more nutritious?

Your Own Health
The interesting thing that can happen though is that mother's own health gets overlooked.

I was, relatively speaking, "old," when I started my own motherhood job. After age 30, I noticed my body starting to decline but didn't have my first child until I was 35. Sleepless nights and the manual labor involved with the solitary care of little children (husband at work 40 hrs/week & away on business trips) can take its toll on any woman, let alone an "older" mother. I found that in addition to migraines, insomnia and depression/anxiety, I was plagued with catching a cold every few weeks.

Natural Alternatives
Being committed to nursing, I sought out natural alternatives for my health. A supplement helped me (and my children) deal better with colds and viruses. Supplements have helped my husband and kids (and cat) in many ways. Later I found homeopathy which supported my family's health both physically as well as emotionally. You don't have to be "old" for your body to get worn down by mothering. Check out a wonderful book full of natural alternatives: "Nurture Mom", where the author coins the term: Depleted Mother Syndrome.

Western Medicine
If you can't find a natural alternative that works for you, western medicine can be a lifesaver. You don't need to stay miserable, sick and depressed. Sometimes it's more important for a mother to take medications and bottle-feed her baby rather than suffer herself. And it can be better for the rest of the family if mom is feeling healthy and happy.

Diet
The biggest help of all for your health, can be diet. It took me quite awhile to be convinced that one of the major contributors to migraines was chocolate. I just didn't want to give it up! But now I know that sugar, chocolate, wheat, eggs, dairy, soy and nuts aren't good for me. I do better in all ways if I cut back on these foods or stay away from them altogether.

If you're struggling with your own health challenges and can't seem to find a solution, I definitely recommend looking at diet. Refined sugar is the biggest contributor to my own tendency toward depression/anxiety, insomnia and migraines. Sugar is addictive and hard to give up, but if you want to be happy and well, just try cutting out that one thing. Look at labels and try it for 5 days. Won't hurt to see what happens.

Exercise
Exercise is also helpful, and not only for your physical health but for your mental health as well. Even if all you can do is get out for a short 15 minute walk 3 times a week - make it a priority. If you can find a friend to walk with, it will help you commit and will solidify a friendship too because walking and talking go together. There is a yahoo group in Santa Cruz that meets regularly for walks. Check out the yahoo groups on this page or look in Growing Up In Santa Cruz parent newspaper for details.

Helping Yourself Helps Your Family
Caring for your health is so important. It will give you the energy to live your life with joy. Don't worry about spending healing money on yourself - if you're like me, you will use whatever you find to help your kids and husband too.

Here are some health resources:
Supplements: http://www.MannaPages.com/WorkOfHeart (sorry, you'll have to copy and paste, they don't allow linking to them)
Homeopath: http://www.SantaCruzHomeopathy.com
Diet: http://www.TheHealthyWay.us
Doctor (if you don't have health insurance): http://www.SantaCruzDoctor.com
Depleted Mother Syndrome: http://www.NurtureMom.com
Natural Help for Depression: http://breastfeedingmadesimple.com/bms%20new%20home%20page_files/bms%20fats%20happy%20postpartum%201-page.pdf
Depression/Anxiety Supplement - get this through my Books and Links webpage where you can order it through Amazon: http://www.MothersHaveNeedsToo.com/BooksLinks.htm
The naturopath who invented this supplement works in Aptos: Daniel Beilin. His website: http://www.FortifyHealth.com. He offers a free consult and his wife, Carola Cuenca is a homeopath and offers an alternative to mammograms - thermography - which also determines the health of all of your organs. Her website is: http://www.DrCarola.com

Please feel free to email or call me with any questions regarding the above. Also remember that I am a psychotherapist, not a medical doctor, so please contact your own physician prior to making any health decisions.

©2007 Allison Gilbert, M.A., L.M.F.T.; Free Tips
www.MothersHaveNeedsToo.com

Love Yourself

2007-07-13T19:58:00.000-07:00

Love Yourself

A Mother's Love
I don't know about you but when my first child was born, I couldn't believe the amount of love I had for him. The love was so grand and immense, it filled my heart to bursting. I couldn't stop looking at him. Even today, when he's 13 years old, I just stare and he gets uncomfortable so I have to look away. I can't show you what my daughter sent me today (an email card) since it's no longer posted. She only sent me a card, not a very big deal and she didn't even write much, but after receiving it, I couldn't stop smiling and marveling at the adorable little being she is at age 9 1/2.

It's so easy to feel loving toward our children. A mother's love for her children
runs deep because it's part of nature's plan. It's the love that helps us get through the toughest times as a parent. The love doesn't even go away when the kids make me mad. Oh, it may go away for a short time, but it comes right back. It's a love unlike any other I have ever experienced.

Loving Ourselves
Most mothers will be able to feel love for their children but have the most difficult time loving themselves. Do you have a difficult time loving yourself? If it's hard for you to care for yourself and make decisions in your own best interest, or if it's hard for you to know your own worth, then you may need to learn how to love yourself.

Practice Loving Yourself
If you know how to love your children but don't know the first thing about loving yourself, the love you have for your children can be a guide. Here's a strange tip, but it works. Imagine kissing your child. See it in your mind's eye and step into your body, looking at your child through your own eyes, bending down and giving a kiss. Next, imagine you are still looking through your own eyes down at yourself from above and imagine kissing yourself with the same love as you do your child. You can do it all in your imagination. Rise above your head, see yourself below and bend down and kiss your own forehead, as you would kiss your own child. Feel how precious you are.

Practice that scene in your mind's eye every day, as often as you can remember it.

Love Your Child, Love Yourself
You may begin to realize that the very quality you love about your child is the very same quality that makes you, you. And then it comes as no surprise that your child is so lovable. Your child, unlike any other being in this world, came from your body. Your child is a part of you walking around outside your body. Where do you think your child's preciousness came from?

©2007 Allison Gilbert, M.A., L.M.F.T.; Free Tips
www.MothersHaveNeedsToo.com

Depend on Your Man

2007-07-06T20:01:00.000-07:00

Depend on Your Man

Independence vs Marriage
When I was growing up, I was weaned on Feminism. I was taught that in order to have any power, worth, freedom or dignity in life, I needed to have my own source of income. A career was something I could depend on - it was the prized goal. Those women who went to college to get a marriage license were fools and losers. Becoming an independent woman was the way to have success in life.

The Superwoman
When I became a mother, and stayed home, I felt embarrassed by the question, "Do you work?" I thought that being home with my children meant I wasn't living up to my potential. I had failed to live up to the "superwoman" potential because I knew that some area of my life would be a mess if I tried to run a career at the same time as performing the challenging job of caring for a newborn or toddler.

Security
Still, there was the question of income, freedom, power and worth. How could I live a life of dignity without my own money? Motherhood dumped me into a position of compete and utter dependency. Here I was taking care of a human being who needed me 24/7 and couldn't do anything for himself. How was I going to do what I was told I needed to do for my own security? The only option I could see was to do exactly what I was told not to do: I had to learn how to become dependent on a man! Yikes!

Depending on a Man
Feminism made it hard for women to depend on men. It also sort of took away what had always been a father's role and responsibility to the family. Unless you have your child in daycare or school full-time, or are able to pay for a nanny, there's no way for you to work outside of the home. So, it makes sense for your husband to pick up the slack and support you while you are preoccupied with his child.

It's Good for Him
Allowing yourself to depend on your man gives him a proper place in the family. You help him to mature and grow into his own strength by giving him that responsibility and not letting him off the hook. It can help him to feel needed. It's good for him to have a purpose in life. You and your child can give his life meaning.

You Deserve It
Expect to be taken care of by your husband while you are needing to let go of your paid work for the short time it takes to raise a child or children. It'll be good for the entire family. Your expectation could even send ripples through our society so other mothers remember they deserve to be supported by their men too. Maybe our government will also remember the debt they owe to mothers for what we do for the future of our society. And begin to pay us for it! I can dream big, can't I?

©2007 Allison Gilbert, M.A., L.M.F.T.; Free Tips
www.MothersHaveNeedsToo.com

Volunteer

2007-06-29T19:57:00.000-07:00

Volunteer

Motherhood is Voluntary
Motherhood requires volunteering your time and sometimes your best years to a job performed 24/7 for no pay. Mothers willingly take on this voluntary position out of the intense love they have for their children. Society gets a free ride on the backs of mothers who often wind up volunteering for many other positions as their children grow.

"Helping" the Teachers
I remember the first time I volunteered to help out in my son's kindergarten class for a couple of hours once a week. My only reason for volunteering was so I could spy. I wanted the best for my beloved little boy and so I needed to keep an eye on things. He might need me! His teacher might be mean! Or maybe the other kids would hurt him!

After a few years of "helping" the teacher, I could see how my love and overprotection was worth quite a bit to the school district. The teachers really needed me! I made their jobs a bit easier, picked up some of the slack and gave them more time for the children who needed extra attention. Each and every field trip could never have happened without all of the volunteers who provided the transportation.

Many Ways to Volunteer
As my kids grew older, my volunteer work expanded: fundraising for the school...helping my rabbi's wife cook for the multitudes...outreach for Chabad...helping to write a charter school...speaking out at school board meetings...activism against wireless radiation...PTA President...

Importance of Volunteers
I've come to realize just how important volunteers are. There are unpaid jobs that absolutely need to get done and without the help of volunteers, our children and our world would lose out big time. And it's usually the stay-at-home mommies who have the time to volunteer. Without them, this world would be a sorry place.

Give & Get Back
Best of all, whatever I gave, I got back. First, I got to be a role model for my children - teaching them the importance of giving and the power we all have when we just get involved. Second, volunteering helped remind me of skills I thought I'd lost after I became "just" a mommy (I got to fill out my resume with loads of impressive volunteer work I'd been involved in for over a decade when it came time for me to look for paid work again). Third, I got to meet and become friends with all the other volunteers who just happen to be the best mommies in town.

Mothers Are Volunteers
Mothers are so amazing. Out of the love we have for our children, we do whatever's needed in the moment it's needed whether it pays or not. If our children will benefit, we step up to whatever task is in front of us and the rest of the world profits from our unpaid labor. If you're a mother, you are automatically a volunteer.

©2007 Allison Gilbert, M.A., L.M.F.T.; Free Tips
www.MothersHaveNeedsToo.com

Emotional Self-Care

2007-06-22T19:48:00.000-07:00

Emotional Self-Care

A Husband's Support
When I was first married, I thought my husband would be my emotional support. I assumed he'd be there for me in ways I didn't get met as a child. Eventually, after many years of badgering, I taught him a few things about how to support me. But mostly I learned to accept his personal limitations and realized I didn't have to get all my needs met through my husband.

Others Shortcomings
Here's my tip: Recognize when you need emotional support but don't try to get it from those who aren't able to give it to you. Don't expect your husband or friends to always be there for you. It's unrealistic and puts unnecessary strain on your relationships. Sometimes people we are closest to don't have the distance necessary to deal well with our pain.

Techniques to Use By Yourself
Through the years I've discovered ways to have the emotional freedom I need. The following are some of the techniques I use to care for myself when my pain is overwhelming and those closest to me can't help. I like these techniques because they are ways I can take care of myself all by myself. That is why I am sharing them with you. They cost nothing and they give you the ability to care for yourself in your own time.

EFT & TAT
EFT - The "Emotional Freedom Techniques" may seem a bit hokey at first, but if you use them regularly, you will get results. You may need outside support for the tougher issues but what I like about these techniques is that they are something you can use on yourself, by yourself, for yourself and you can get the manual for free. Click here for the free manual.
TAT - TAT is another technique very similar to EFT in that it targets the resolution of emotional issues quickly and easily. This technique can also be done on your own. Click here for the free manual.

Writing
Writing Your Resentments & Fears - There's a writing technique I learned in Al-Anon that helps clarify and discharge emotions. You start with your resentment and then make a list of fears and address it all to your Higher Power. For example, start with a sentence in this format:
"Dear_______, I have a resentment toward _____________ for __________ because I have a fear of______________because I have a fear of__________ because I have a fear of _______________..." Continue writing down fear after fear until you get to the bottom of your fears.
Example:
"Dear G-d,
I have a resentment toward the Superintendent for closing our school because I have a fear of my daughter getting radiated by the cell tower at our new school because I have a fear of leading this PTA meeting tonight because I have a fear of being honest about my feelings because I have a fear of people attacking me because I have a fear my feelings aren't right because I have a fear of not being able to stand up for myself because I have a fear of..."
Continue writing each fear you uncover beneath the previous fear until you feel complete. At the end, you can do one of two things, either:
1. write: "I am now entirely ready to have these fears and resentments removed. Please remove them now, thanks. I pray only for the knowledge/experience of Your will for me and the power to carry that out." Sign it and then rip it up and throw it away. Or:
2. You can begin writing from the voice of your Higher Power answering you.

If you want more instructions in the above techniques, I'm available for private instruction through email, phone or in the office.

Psychotherapy/Counseling
There are times when these techniques don't help and you are still full of pain. This is when it's a good time to check in with a therapist. A therapist is the perfect person to use when you have the need to freely explore your emotions in a safe environment with the support of another person.

Emotional Self-Care
If you want more emotional support from others and can't seem to get it, make sure you do get it. There are many more techniques than those I've outlined above. There's always a way to care for yourself emotionally.

©2007 Allison Gilbert, M.A., L.M.F.T.; Free Tips
www.MothersHaveNeedsToo.com

Omega 3's Help with Depression: http://breastfeedingmadesimple.com/bms%20new%20home%20page_files/bms%20fats%20happy%20postpartum%201-page.pdf
Hypnosis CD for emotional self-care: http://www.hypnosisnetwork.com/hypnosis/new_moms.php
Depression/Anxiety Supplement - get this through my Books and Links webpage where you can order it through Amazon: http://www.MothersHaveNeedsToo.com/BooksLinks.htm
The naturopath who invented this supplement works in Aptos: Daniel Beilin. His website: http://www.FortifyHealth.com. He offers a free consult and his wife, Carola Cuenca is a homeopath and offers an alternative to mammograms - thermography - which also determines the health of all of your organs. Her website is: http://www.DrCarola.com

Be a Caretaker

2007-06-15T20:47:00.000-07:00

Be a Caretaker

A Caretaker Isn't Politically Correct
So much of a mother's job is about giving, sacrifice and love. Unfortunately, in our dog-eat-dog society, these kinds of activities aren't valued. If just isn't politically correct for women today to take pride in being nurturers.

Even the word, "care-taking" is used by the self-help community to describe dysfunctional behavior. Being a "caretaker" is seen as unhealthy. The word "co-dependency" is used to describe a caretaker who's become so involved in another person's life that her own life is a mess. It's commonly thought that if you're a caretaker, you'll wind up a "doormat" because caretakers allow people to walk all over them.

It's In The Job Description
Truth is, if you're not a caretaker, then you're probably not doing your mothering job very well. Care-taking is an essential part of the good parenting of very small children who can't take care of themselves. There's a saying, "Let your baby wake you up when he's young, or you'll lose sleep over him when he's older." Being there for our children when they're small paves the way for a secure future for all.

Caring for Ourselves
So how can we be there for others while not turning our care-taking into something that's dysfunctional?

One warning sign is when you find yourself getting so caught up in the care for another human being that you begin to lose yourself. You end up forgetting who you are and what makes you happy. You forget to ask for what you want and avoid setting limits with those who cross your boundaries.

Self-Care Ideas
Taking care of yourself is just as important as the care-taking you give to others. And self-care doesn't have to be a major time commitment. It can be as simple as asking for help from Daddy, a neighbor, a parent, a friend or a therapist. It might mean going to the movies once a week. It could mean getting a massage or a good book to read or flowers or an hour by yourself. What do you need to revive yourself? A nap? A walk? Music?

Setting Limits on Others
Caring for yourself doesn't necessarily mean being selfish and losing touch with your primary commitment to care for your kids. In fact, caring for yourself gives your children and your husband more of you. So check in with yourself on a regular basis to figure out what you need. Voice your limits on behavior you're unwilling to take from your children and your husband. Be your own best caretaker.

Never Stop Being a Caretaker
Being a caregiver can be the most fulfilling job there is. Our world needs more people who care about others. You are not wrong for giving yourself over, for a short time, to this kind of sacrifice. (If you have 2 children, it could mean 10 years before they are both in school for 6 hours a day. Seems like a long time, but it's really only 1/7th of an average lifespan.) Find out how to care for yourself while you're putting your best efforts into your children and you'll be able to give even more of yourself. In the end, your work will pay off and you'll never have to stop caring for others.

©2007 Allison Gilbert, M.A., L.M.F.T.; Free Tips
www.MothersHaveNeedsToo.com

Find Your Identity

2007-06-08T19:40:00.000-07:00

Find Your Identity

Identity Lost
When I left my career to stay home with my first born, I felt like I'd lost my identity. How could I say, "I'm a therapist," if I wasn't practicing anymore? How could I feel proud of myself, if I wasn't working outside the home achieving something at a job, career or profession?

Identity Found
As time when on I began to see my identity more clearly when I found other mothers who, like me, made the choice to stay home with their kids. I admired them and saw we had similar values about raising children. If I was like them, then I could be proud of myself.

It's Always There
I began to see that I never really lost my identity. In fact, every decision I make for my children comes out of who I am and what I've experienced in my past. I want certain things for my kids because I grew up in the family I did and because I had specific experiences in my life. My identity, formed out of my past, is wrapped up in achieving something in the future.

I remember one day when my first baby was 1-2 months old and I didn't know he had reflux. As usual, he started screaming after nursing for 5 minutes. At my wit's end, I did the only thing I knew how to do: I walked around with my baby on my shoulder, speaking to him in a slow, calm voice, using the language I learned in my hypnotherapy training. Hypnosis didn't help my reflux baby but it was a skill I brought to the table in one of my most trying moments as a parent.

Your Good Intentions
You too bring a lifetime of skills, interests, values and wishes into your parenting. Take a step back, look at your parenting and notice that you use your strengths and experiences from the past to make good choices for your children's future. Take pride in what you intend to create - your identity forms those good intentions.

©2007 Allison Gilbert, M.A., L.M.F.T.; Free Tips
www.MothersHaveNeedsToo.com

Slow Down

2007-06-01T19:25:00.000-07:00

Slow Down

Sabbath
For the past 7 years I've enjoyed spending time with friends who follow the teachings of Hasidic Judaism. This family has four children, all under the age of 12. Life is very busy in that household! But once every week, for 25 hours, everything stops and they slow way down. From sundown on Friday until sunset on Saturday, they completely separate themselves from modern conveniences. No phones, no TV's, no radios, no computers, no shopping malls, no cars...

Instead, there's food, sacred ritual and each other - just being together reading, learning, playing, talking, walking and napping.

Life Interrupted
Slowing down, relaxing with family and friends, and letting go of the rat race for an entire day once a week may sound lovely to you. But for many of us, it isn't a very easy thing to do. In fact, it's one of the reasons why the job of motherhood can be so hard. Once you've got a baby to care for 24/7, the outside world and all of its enticing entertainments stay just out of reach for weeks or months and sometimes even years. Time on the phone is interrupted, plans fall through when nap time comes or illness strikes; your to-do list goes out the window and all you can do is be in relationship, following the needs of another human being.

Taking Time Off
Having children puts us on sabbatical. The tasks and duties of our previous lives get put on hold for awhile. This can be a struggle for many of us. Some mothers never find the value in their new caregiver occupation and so they go back to work and leave the childcare to someone else. Other mothers can slow down enough to discover that even though being at home can be difficult, there is nowhere else a woman can find a more meaningful experience.

Motherhood is A Spiritual Discipline
Motherhood is like a spiritual practice that involves focusing on giving to others, building loving relationships, slowing down, and going with the flow, following the natural order of Life. If you can't run to the phone or turn on the TV, go shopping or surf the net at your whim, your relationships become your sole entertainment. There's nowhere else to go and nothing better to do.

Give yourself a gift this week and slow way down.

©2007 Allison Gilbert, M.A., L.M.F.T.; Free Tips
www.MothersHaveNeedsToo.com

Schedule It In

2007-05-25T18:43:00.000-07:00

Schedule It In

Not Enough Time
When you're the mother of very young children, you're stretched to your limit. Then, just when you find a moment for yourself, your husband or your older kids ask when you'll have time for them. It's incredibly overwhelming. This is why scheduling specific days in your week or month to spend time with each family member works well. If you don't schedule these times, they may never happen.

Time for You
The most important family member to schedule special time with is ♥you♥. You won't have anything to give to any other relationship if you don't make time for yourself. Schedule yourself in at least once a week - though once a day is even better. When is the best time of day or week for you to take a break? Is it after bedtime or in the morning before everyone's awake? Is it on the weekend? Find a time and schedule it in and keep that appointment with yourself regularly.

Keep Your Marriage Going
It may seem unromantic to schedule special time with your husband but it is just as important as scheduling time with yourself. Mothers spend 24/7 in intense physical contact with their young children, cuddling, nursing and carrying. By the time you spend a moment with your husband, you may be all "touched out". If this is a source of friction in your marriage, try scheduling a specific day and time once a week for sex and/or for a date. It's not spontaneous to do things this way, but it can take pressure off the rest of the week, knowing you have this time set aside. Make a weekly appointment to do those things you both enjoyed doing together prior to having kids - it's vital to the health of your relationship.

Dividing Your Attention
Sometimes children feel they don't get the attention they need due to the needs of the other siblings. Scheduling a once a week or month date with each of your kids works well for mothers who can't seem to find enough time for everyone. Your kids can look forward to some one-on-one with mommy, knowing you've got a specific day/time carved out in your schedule just for them.

Your Relationships Matter
Make a habit of putting yourself, your husband and your kids into a weekly or monthly schedule. Otherwise, you may never find the time for the most important people in your life.

©2007 Allison Gilbert, M.A., L.M.F.T.; Free Tips
www.MothersHaveNeedsToo.com

Admit Your Faults

2007-05-18T19:50:00.000-07:00

Admit Your Faults

Mothers Make Mistakes
Do you sometimes feel like you're doing everything wrong, your kids are going to suffer and you shouldn't even be a mother? It's not uncommon to have those feelings from time to time. Life is far from perfect. Human beings make mistakes and suffer sometimes. Our kids will get hurt and there'll be nothing we can do to protect them. Hard to accept, but all of this has nothing to do with whether you should or shouldn't be a mother.

Learning Curve
Why do we assume we should make everything OK at all times for ourselves and for our children? The job of being a mother is like every other job in that it has its ups and downs, a learning curve, and tasks we like and tasks we don't like. The difference is that the job of a mother trains us to be a better human being. If we're already doing things perfectly, how can we strive to be better? It's important that sometimes, everything is not OK.

Kids Need to Make Mistakes Too
You are a role model for your children. Teach them how to make mistakes, have faults admit them, apologize and grow from them. Let your children know that you aren't perfect and that they don't need to be perfect either. Let them know that life isn't supposed to be perfect but that we are all striving to become better human beings and that when we do, we make this world a better place. They will feel safe even with imperfections because they'll see you recognize your mistakes and do repair work. They'll enjoy knowing that whatever they mess up, they can attempt to clean up too.

It's About Growth
Admit your faults when you have them. This job can take you to the depths of your pain and lift you to the greatest heights you can reach as well. You don't have to be perfect but you can learn how to better yourself. You can always be more giving, more loving, more organized, more disciplined, more patient, more of just about anything. But don't let that make you think you're not right for this job. Instead, know that this is exactly why you have this job.

©2007 Allison Gilbert, M.A., L.M.F.T.; Free Tips
www.MothersHaveNeedsToo.com

Have Your Own Money

2007-05-11T19:39:00.000-07:00

Have Your Own Money

Who's Money?
Your husband probably brings in the income while you stay home as primary caretaker for your little ones. Most likely, because you're home, you end up being the one who spends that money. But whose money is it? Do you sometimes feel like that money's his and he should have the final word on how it's spent? Do you think you shouldn't spend any money on yourself now that you're not bringing anything in? You're not alone. It's a hazard of modern motherhood.

Your Worth
Wouldn't it be great if the US instituted a subsidy for mothers who decide to stay home with young children, doing the job that our entire society benefits from if this job is done well? Even a tax incentive would make sense considering how much the country benefits from a mothering job done right. Unfortunately, giving up your career to care for your children puts you in an extremely dependent position financially - if you don't have the belief that the money your husband earns is equally yours.

Your Own Pot
If it's hard for you to feel ownership of the money your husband earns for the family, I have a suggestion for you: Open your own bank account if you don't already have one. You should have some money you can spend without having to discuss it with your husband. It's about dignity and freedom. You deserve to have something of your own.

Consider the amount of work you do and what your husband would have to pay someone else to do it. Dare to pay yourself: Take a weekly salary out of your husband's paycheck and put a portion of that money into your own account. Any gifts you receive from your parents or others can go into that account too.

Money Confidence & Kids
Your family depends on you and if you don't believe you have rights to decide how your money gets spent, everyone loses. It's usually the mother who determines children's needs and whether money should be spent on them. So your kids require that you feel confident about spending your husband's income where they are concerned.

Mom's Salary
Have your own money. Even if the household income is brought in by your husband, that money is yours too. He's not the only one who's working hard for your family. Check out this website to see how much your unpaid labor is really worth: Mom's Salary

©2007 Allison Gilbert, M.A., L.M.F.T. Free Tips
www.MothersHaveNeedsToo.com

Get Help

2007-05-04T19:12:00.000-07:00

Get Help

Mothering Alone
Never before in the evolution of the human race have mothers been required to care for children all by themselves. Even in the recent past, multiple generations lived together in the same house. Today, we may live miles away from the nearest extended family. This makes the job of caring for children, a 24/7 job that's performed without any co-workers or help of any kind.

You may be the type of mother who understands how important it is to parent her own children full-time despite the challenge of having to do it alone. But is it best to be parenting all alone? How does a mother keep from getting to the end of her rope when there are no breaks in sight?

Catching a Break
One way to catch a break is to look at your job with a critical eye. Write down all the tasks you perform on a daily basis. Check off the ones that you just can't stand doing. Ask yourself if there is anyone else who can do those tasks instead of you.

Maybe your husband can take on the baths at night, every night or even for a few nights a week. Maybe your mother-in-law can babysit for an hour a week while you do something fun for yourself. Maybe you can get someone to clean your bathrooms and floors for $20 or so every 2 weeks. Maybe you can give the neighborhood 10 year old $3 to come and play with your little ones for a couple of hours after school from 4-6pm while you make dinner and clean up. Maybe you can develop a cooking or cleaning or babysitting co-op so that one or two moms per week do one of those things for the other moms...

Help Helps
We're into new territory here. Mothers have never had to do this much work all alone. We need to get creative and think outside the box to survive. Start thinking about how you can get help. It can make a difference in your whole outlook.

©2007 Allison Gilbert, M.A., L.M.F.T.; Free Tips
www.MothersHaveNeedsToo.com

Teach Your Husband

2007-04-27T19:30:00.000-07:00

Teach Your Husband

Skewed Perspective
When I was pregnant with my first child, my ideas about being a stay-at-home mom were definitely skewed. I was looking forward to my "time off". I had no idea that I was really off to a new job!

Envy and Comparisons
My husband also started a new job at that time. His though, had a 40 hour work week, while mine ended up being 24/7. We would look at each other and wish we were in the other's shoes. He'd see me with that skewed perspective: able to stay home all day and take "time off". He'd see me setting my own schedule, watching TV (VH1 while I was nursing or rocking the baby to sleep), meeting with friends for lunch, and napping. I'd see him getting to leave the house, be free and independent, go anywhere, do anything, make money, and gain self-confidence from a job well done.

Unrealistic Expectations
We both had unrealistic expectations of caring for a baby. I didn't know the reality of motherhood until I had the baby in my arms. My husband was never able to really understand either until I let him try it all by himself.

Give Him the Job
If your husband just doesn't get it, you need to teach him. But not by complaining or through comparisons or by flighting over who isn't doing their fair share. Instead, leave him with the baby or the children. Take an hour or two for yourself away from home (or even take an entire day away) at least once a week - every week. Daddy needs time to be in charge and totally responsible for his children: changing diapers, wiping up spit up, holding, feeding, carrying, bathing and in general dealing with all the whining, crying, fussing and fighting. And give him some occasional night-time duty too. He won't "get it" until he experiences it for himself. And it will help you to get away from it all and take a break.

Write it Down
Another way to help him understand is to keep a journal. Write down your tasks from sun-up to sundown and through the night, if needed. Record the times and lengths of all of your activities. Both of you need to realize what you are actually doing with your time. You'll also begin to see how he can support you. Then, once he experiences some of it for himself, and sees it all in writing, he should be more supportive and grateful for all the unpaid work you do.

©2007 Allison Gilbert, M.A., L.M.F.T.; Free Tips
www.MothersHaveNeedsToo.com