Mothers Have Needs Too!

Mothers Have Needs Too!

Mother's work is 24/7 with no bathroom breaks. The job requires wisdom, intelligence, patience, skill, physical labor, & inner strength, yet gives little recognition & no pay. In fact, the world gets a free ride on the backs of dedicated mothers willing to perform this selfless service out of the deep and abiding love they have for their children.


You Are Important!

Women have a natural talent and skill to be nurturers. This allows them to be able focus on the needs of others. Some women have the knack for knowing just how to meet other's needs before they are even articulated. This is a skill that fosters safety and security in the children who are lucky enough to have nurturing mothers. It enables children to grow in self-confidence and self-esteem. Unfortunately, this skill can sometimes make it hard for mothers to remember to occasionally focus on themselves.

The danger is that if you don't meet your own needs, mothering can become a drain of precious energy. You might find that your patience grows thin and your marriage becomes strained or you may find yourself resenting the job of motherhood. The entire family can lose when their source of emotional support is unable to be there with the enthusiasm that is needed. You are an important lifeline for your family. When you are caring for others in this way, you will need to get support for yourself to continue to do this job well.

Mothers Need Support
Our culture values independence. The word, "dependence" is usually associated with the weak and powerless. When you become a mother, you become dependent in a lot of ways but this doesn't necessarily mean you have to be weak and powerless. In fact, if you are raising young children, you couldn't possibly be weak and powerless. It takes a lot of strength to raise children and to manage a household. Giving birth itself takes physical and emotional strength. After giving birth, your body will need to recover as you transition into the new life of caring for a baby. People bring packages of food and sometimes a parent or in-law will stay to help. This is a fact of family life - we are interdependent with one another and we care for and about each other. Your parents and husband and extended family care for you as you care for your children and eventually you will care for your parents as they age, just as your children will care for you. (See In The Shelter Of Each Other, by Mary Pipher)

The tricky thing about all this is to know how to care for yourself when you are a caregiver. Sometimes it's simply knowing how to ask for support when you need it. Caregiving can be an all-consuming occupation where the focus is on the other person's needs, be that person a child or an elder. It can be exhausting and isolating. Caregivers benefit from the support of others so that they can do their job well. This is where family, support groups, parenting classes, co-ops, therapy groups, private psychotherapy or counseling can help. Getting the support you need can make all the difference in your caregiving.


Support Groups and Psychotherapy

Support groups and co-ops are ways to find peers to support you through this time in your life. The isolation will be broken when you find that there are other people who experience the same things that you do. You will be renewed through developing friendships and connections with others. Caring for yourself by having someone to talk to is invaluable for a mother. But sometimes there are things that are not very easy to discuss with friends and then it helps to have a counselor or therapist to talk to.

Counseling can help. Sometimes just knowing you have set aside this special time just for *you* can make all the difference in the world. When you get to talk to a psychotherapist or a counselor, your needs, feelings and questions are your only focus. Just having that uninterrupted time to be heard and to hear yourself can rejuvenate your whole outlook. You'll become better at meeting your own needs too. You'll begin to remember your values, interests and joys. Caring for yourself in this way reawakens a profound understanding of how important you are. You'll feel a renewed sense of pride in the job of motherhood and will have more energy to mother with love.

©2007 Allison Gilbert, LMFT www.MothersHaveNeedsToo.com

Find Other Mothers

Find Other Mothers

When I had my first baby, I cared for him all alone. My mom worked and lived an hour away. My sister worked and lived even further away. My friends worked and paid for childcare. When I went to the local park, I was surrounded by Spanish - speaking nannies. There were no other kids or moms home in our neighborhood.

When I finally found other moms, my life changed for the better. I became a happier mom and my child benefited from interaction with other kids. The first way I found other moms was through a Mommy and Me class offered by the Adult School in our community. Just being able to get out and talk to another adult can be so energizing for a new mother. New mothers may have to make an effort to seek out other mothers but this task gets easier as children grow older and are in school.

Other moms can be a great support for mothers. You get tips and ideas you weren't able to think of on your own. Or you might get some encouragement to move forward with the ideas you already had but were afraid to try. When you feel comfortable enough to reveal your own insecurities to another mom, you will discover you are not alone. Other moms will help you see that the challenges of being a mother are universal and that we can all find our own way through them.

Here are some places where you can connect with other moms:

Support Groups: There are many support groups in Santa Cruz. Many communities now have a local parent newspaper or magazine. Check out the hospitals or look in the calendar sections of newspapers - especially "Growing Up in Santa Cruz." I also have a workshop/support group that I teach periodically. Find out more about the workshop on this page.

Yahoo Groups/Discussion Forums: There are several yahoo groups that I am aware of in Santa Cruz and the surrounding areas. These groups share info and meet for walks and celebrations.
"Sutter Grads", "Boulder Creek Family Network" and "santacruzbabiesFall2007" are a few of the names I know.
Here are some links and email addresses I am aware of:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/santacruzbabies2007fall/
santacruzmommy@yahoogroups.com
santacruzjews@yahoogroups.com
cruznbabies@yahoogroups.com
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/cruzmoms2007/
Another wonderful place to have discussion with other mothers is www.MayasMom.com where you'll find groups on an assortment of different topics.

Co-Ops: As soon as your child is 2 or 3, you may be able to join a local co-op preschool. Co-ops are preschools where parents are required to stay on certain days to help the teacher. Sometimes they will combine preschool with parent education. So you'll get to learn parenting skills while you hang around for your toddler's first school experience. Co-ops are a lot of fun and they are a great place to meet other moms. Contact them early since they fill up fast.

Classes: Parenting classes, Yoga classes, exercise classes, art classes, music classes, mommy and me classes - try out any class you can find that interests you or your child.

Churches & Temples: Many families gravitate toward communities that will enrich their child's spiritual and moral education. You will find a source of support and a way to connect with parents who may have the same values as you do. Churches and Temples always seem to place a strong value on children and families.

Parks: Depending on the town you live in, parks can be a great place to meet other moms with kids. If one park doesn't work, try a different one in another neighborhood. Strike up a conversation by asking the other mother about her child's age or if she has her child in school yet or what plans she has around schooling.

Other moms can be a vital resource for your important work at home. You deserve to be supported and develop connections with others that enrich you. The connections you make for yourself can strengthen you and help you create a community for your family. Do something good for yourself and your family this week - find some other mothers.

©2006 Allison Gilbert, M.A., L.M.F.T; Free Tips
www.MothersHaveNeedsToo.com

Rewrite Your Job Description

Rewrite Your Job Description

My workshop flyer lays out the mother's job description with some humor, though for most of us, it does sound familiar: work 24/7 for no pay...managing daily complaints from very small clients. (See full job description here.) Writing a job description for the at-home mother is in fact, one of the workshop's goals.

Fulfillment on the Job
The workbook materials contain lots of great articles written by mothers. One insightful article, "Am I the Manager or the Maid?" by Janet Dittmer, shows how useful it is to simply change your job description from being the maid to being the manager of your household.

Transforming the Challenges
Rewriting your job description can resolve many of the challenges we experience as mothers. Do you feel overwhelmed? Frustrated? Depressed? Worthless? Isolated? Depleted? The workshop addresses these challenges by helping you rewrite your job description. Below is an outline of how that's done in each session.

Transforming Frustration & Depression
Session 1: Look at your expectations of yourself as a mother. Are your expectations realistic or unrealistic? When your child is crying, does that mean you're a bad mother? When your house is messy, does that mean you've failed at this job? What do you expect of yourself and what do you expect from others? Unspoken expectations of others create resentment. Negotiate, speak up and ask for what you need - you just may get it.

Tackling Unworthiness
Session 2: Rewrite your job description so that it begins with the needs of your children. Rather than being overwhelmed by those needs, simply use the fact of your children needing you to validate your decision to be home with them.

Handling Overwhelm
Session 3: Next the workbook shows you a list of all the tasks a mother performs. From breastfeeding and holding to carpooling, scheduling dental appointments and dishwashing - the list fills two full pages. Think about the monetary value of each task. Decide which tasks you like, don't like, and which you can get help with.

Addressing Physical & Emotional Depletion
Session 4: What are your interests? Can you incorporate them into your daily tasks with your children? Or do you need to take some time away from the kids to be able to include your interests in your job description? Which interests have you put aside that you used to enjoy with your husband? Bring those interests back.

Breaking Isolation
Session 5: Creating community is also a task included in mother's job description. Where can you find the people you can share your lives with? The more support you have on the job, the better you'll do with it.

Generating Feelings of Self-Worth
Session 6: Your identity is an important component of rewriting your job description. Who are you now? What is your life about? How do you appraise your job performance at home?

Pride in Your Job
Rewrite your job description so you can validate your choice to be primary caregiver for your children. In a society that values people for what they can produce in the marketplace, it serves all of us to take pride in what we're producing at home. Feel good about your choice by meeting your own needs too.

©2007 Allison Gilbert, M.A., L.M.F.T.; Free Tips
www.MothersHaveNeedsToo.com

Asking Your Husband for Money

Asking Your Husband for Money

Mothers Need Support

New moms, especially those who’ve just given birth, are consumed by work that allows very little time to make money. Rarely do women start their families with money in the bank. So with no financial resources to fall back on, mothers need financial support from somewhere.

Who's Going to Give It?

You’d think that when a woman is in this type of vulnerable position, caring for a newborn or tending to small children, she could depend on her husband to pick up the slack. The novel idea goes like this: she would focus on the demanding work of childcare while he brings home the bacon. Unfortunately, many men these days were never brought up to think that it’s up to him to support his wife.

Often these husbands expect their wives to pull their own weight. Even after giving birth! I just don’t get it. You’d think that a father would feel some pride in the fact that he can care for his family.

In my work with mothers, I’ve seen over and over how challenging it can be for them to get what they need from their husbands. A mother seems to feel she needs to get his permission first in order to spend any money on herself.

Don't Ask For Permission

My suggestion is to not ask permission for what you need and want. Get it in your mind that his money is your money too. You work very hard for it, 24/7. If you didn’t care for his children, who would? And what would he have to pay that person to do the work you're doing?

You need to be able to have a monthly or weekly or daily amount to spend without having to discuss it with him. When I had babies, I told my husband that I wasn't willing to have to ask him for money every time I needed to go to the grocery store. And I didn't have the patience or time to even go to the bank! So what worked for us was to have a wad of cash hidden in our home somewhere that both of us could take money from as needed and that he replenished as it dwindled down. It's important that you both decide on what your budget is and then stay within that budget without having to keep tabs on each other.

Learn How To Communicate

For bigger purchases, aside from the daily, ongoing expenses you might have, it's important to learn how to communicate without asking for his permission. First, get real clear about what you want or need and make sure you're serious about it. Next, learn how to communicate with him. Pick a time when he’s in a good mood, relaxed, and feeling close to you. Using “right timing” is not being manipulative, just practical. No one can really hear anything when they’ve got other things bothering them.

Give Directions

Last, let him know what you want without asking him if it’s ok with him. Generally, men respond better to directions. Women are used to getting agreement and consensus before moving forward with something that affects others. But in this case, asking permission does not work. You need to believe that getting what you want benefits him too. Come from that place: expect he would, of course, understand that. You don’t have to say, “this will help you too,” but instead, you can say, “this way I can prevent myself from being depleted, depressed, tired, etc.”

I'm not saying go ahead and do whatever you want and spend whatever you want whether he disagrees or not. Sometimes, no matter how you approach him, he may disagree. Then you can decide whether what you're wanting is worth going for or not even without his agreement. But you can give yourself a better chance for gaining his support by using the skills outlined above. Tell your husband what you want and need. He wants you to be well so you can take care of everyone, including him! In the end, the entire family wins when you get what you need too.

Allison Gilbert, LMFT - Free Tips ©2007 http://www.MothersHaveNeedsToo.com