Teach Your Husband

Teach Your Husband

Skewed Perspective
When I was pregnant with my first child, my ideas about being a stay-at-home mom were definitely skewed. I was looking forward to my "time off". I had no idea that I was really off to a new job!

Envy and Comparisons
My husband also started a new job at that time. His though, had a 40 hour work week, while mine ended up being 24/7. We would look at each other and wish we were in the other's shoes. He'd see me with that skewed perspective: able to stay home all day and take "time off". He'd see me setting my own schedule, watching TV (VH1 while I was nursing or rocking the baby to sleep), meeting with friends for lunch, and napping. I'd see him getting to leave the house, be free and independent, go anywhere, do anything, make money, and gain self-confidence from a job well done.

Unrealistic Expectations
We both had unrealistic expectations of caring for a baby. I didn't know the reality of motherhood until I had the baby in my arms. My husband was never able to really understand either until I let him try it all by himself.

Give Him the Job
If your husband just doesn't get it, you need to teach him. But not by complaining or through comparisons or by flighting over who isn't doing their fair share. Instead, leave him with the baby or the children. Take an hour or two for yourself away from home (or even take an entire day away) at least once a week - every week. Daddy needs time to be in charge and totally responsible for his children: changing diapers, wiping up spit up, holding, feeding, carrying, bathing and in general dealing with all the whining, crying, fussing and fighting. And give him some occasional night-time duty too. He won't "get it" until he experiences it for himself. And it will help you to get away from it all and take a break.

Write it Down
Another way to help him understand is to keep a journal. Write down your tasks from sun-up to sundown and through the night, if needed. Record the times and lengths of all of your activities. Both of you need to realize what you are actually doing with your time. You'll also begin to see how he can support you. Then, once he experiences some of it for himself, and sees it all in writing, he should be more supportive and grateful for all the unpaid work you do.

©2007 Allison Gilbert, M.A., L.M.F.T.; Free Tips
www.MothersHaveNeedsToo.com

Have a Higher Purpose

Have a Higher Purpose

Daily Grind
Motherhood, especially in the first few months and longer (!) can be a 24/7 daily grind. Cleaning up spills and toys, changing clothing moments after putting them on, waking up all night with a sick baby when you're sick too... Sometimes motherhood is just repetitive, menial labor that you wouldn't choose to do even if you got paid for it.

Higher Purpose
When mothering gets you down, try remembering your higher purpose. Some people define "higher purpose" through a spiritual or religious orientation. Others define it through their values and what creates meaning in their lives. Either way, a higher purpose can help you remember the greater good you're serving by caring for children.

Finding Your Purpose
It might have been easier for you to recognize the greater good or higher purpose you were serving in your career. Your purpose was probably related to your unique gifts and talents. Did you feel called by the "Universe" to perform a specific function in the grand scheme of things based on your unique talents and skills? Or did you have the sense you were born into this world for a specific reason that only you could fulfill?

There Are No Mistakes
Truthfully, your work as a mother isn't any different from your work in a career. You're being called to do a job that only you can do. You were given gifts and talents that are perfect for the children you got. None of it was a mistake. You're being required right now to serve the world through the raising of children.

So begin to ask yourself, "What is that 'greater good' I'm contributing to by caring for my children at this very moment on our planet?" The answer to this question is your "higher purpose".

Personal Development
When you have a higher purpose for mothering, life goes more smoothly. When you know you're serving a grander scheme, then the difficult parts of the job become great lessons for the development of your soul. You are growing and changing and becoming a better human being through this job of yours. Daily monotonous tasks become part of a larger whole, stretching out in time before you. You realize you're meant to be doing whatever you're doing, as meanial as it feels at times, because it furthers the greater good. You will thrive when you have a higher purpose.

©2007 Allison Gilbert, M.A., L.M.F.T.; Free Tips
www.MothersHaveNeedsToo.com

Know Your Worth

Know Your Worth

Self-Worth vs Net Worth
Mothers who "take time off" from their careers are particularly vulnerable to having a low self-worth. I began to understand why this happens after reading, "The Soul of Money" by Lynne Twist. She shows how our culture tends to equate self-worth with net worth. A self-worth that's based on how much you earn, how much money you have, and how many material possessions you own is not a self-worth that many mothers can have.

For the mother at home, the thought process often goes like this: If I don't have any of my own income, I'm "taking time off" and not "pulling my own weight" and so I don't deserve to spend any money on myself. I don't deserve to ask for what I want. My needs have to come last.

True Worth
When there's no way out...(when putting your precious ones in daycare all day isn't an option for you)...you realize there's no way at all to scramble for the self-esteem that making money can buy. This is your moment when a breakthrough can happen. If you don't have any money to buy the material possessions that gets you self-worth in our society, then where can you find your worth?

What is important and valuable to you? Is it your possessions or your relationship? And what are you really worth? What value does all the many unpaid tasks you perform daily really have? What are they worth to the community? How much would your husband or the community need to pay someone else to do your job? Is it even possible to find someone else who can do your job as well as you?

Putting Children First
Change your perspective on what is valuable and you can help change our culture to one that puts children first. Start by knowing your own worth. You are so important. Your family couldn't function without you. Society owes you a debt of gratitude. The future of our world is in your hands. You matter. The little people you work with on a daily basis matter to the world. The relationships you are developing are more important than anything that money can buy.

©2007 Allison Gilbert, M.A., L.M.F.T.; Free Tips
www.MothersHaveNeedsToo.com

Know Your Parenting Style

Know Your Parenting Style

Two Basic Styles
There are two basic styles of parenting. One is "firm edge" and the other is "soft touch". It's useful to know which style comes naturally to you and which style is more difficult for you to master. You will have the most trouble with your kids when they need the style of parenting that is the most uncomfortable for you.

Firm Edge Style
When you are strong in the firm edge style, you're really good at knowing how to set limits. You will have an ease with setting up consequences for bad behavior, teaching responsibility and discipline to your children. Kids feel protected when they know what is expected of them and know the boundaries that keep them safe.

Soft Touch Style
Parents strong in the soft touch style of parenting are usually comfortable with feelings, messiness and flexible limits. If you're good at listening and creating a safe place for self-expression, you're probably strong in soft touch. This style of parenting gives children lots of room and lets them know that who they are deep, down is lovable and acceptable. Children can feel comfortable in their own skin when they are given soft touch parenting.

Which is Better?
Some children do better with one style over the other. It depends on the personality of the child. Also there will be times or different ages when on child will need more of one style than the other. Still, life works best for all when we have an adequate blend of both styles in our interactions with others.

Your Strengths and Weaknesses
Where are you strong in your parenting style? What are the difficulties that you run into with your kids? Do they know just how to push your buttons? Then look at your parenting style. Grow into the style that is least comfortable for you and you might see a difference in your relationship to your child.

©2007 Allison Gilbert, M.A., L.M.F.T.; Free Tips
www.MothersHaveNeedsToo.com

If you want to read more about this topic, I have a longer article on my Parenting page. Also, I'd recommend the book, "The Blessing of a Skinned Knee" if you need some guidance on strengthening your firm edge style of parenting. If you need help with the soft touch, I recommend, "How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen." Both of these books can be purchased through this website on my Books & Links page.