It's OK to Cry

It's OK to Cry

What's the hardest part for you about being a mother? What is it that truly bothers you? Is it the isolation? Is it the physical challenge? Is it the parenting? Is it the finances? Is it your relationship with your husband? Is it all of the above? Do you wonder if you're just not cut out for this? Do you sometimes feel like running away? Are you dissatisfied with your life?

It's so important to take a look at what's not sitting right with you so you can address it. It's OK to acknowledge the down times. Everyone has them. They can actually be the force that makes our lives better! Our negative feelings inspire us to learn how to care for ourselves and set things right in our world. It's when we run from our feelings, gloss over them and try not to feel them that we get into trouble.

Have you ever heard the phrase, "hitting bottom"? It's used a lot in the field of alcoholism and addiction. It relates to the idea that people sometimes just have to feel a lot of pain before they will make needed changes. Getting out of denial about what's really going wrong can be the first step out of a bad situation.

When you feel yourself hitting bottom, find a friend or a mentor to talk to. Find someone who will let you explore your feelings and your situation without jumping in with advice - unless you ask for it. If you can't find someone who can listen, then a therapist can be very useful. It's especially nice to speak with someone professional like a counselor who can be objective and can keep your deepest feelings confidential.

Allow yourself the dignity of your own feelings. You are not alone in having them - they are universal. It's the way we're made. If you didn't feel pain when you touched a hot stove, you'd get burned. Negative feelings tell you what you need to do to help yourself. They are your key to a better life.

©2006 Allison Gilbert, M.A., L.M.F.T.; Free Tips
www.MothersHaveNeedsToo.com

Gratitude

Gratitude

When I was a new mom, I didn't want to hound my kids about saying please and thank you. My philosophy was: gratitude should be something that comes from the heart rather than fake and forced. Luckily, my husband instilled "good manners" in our kids and I am grateful to him for it.

Up until the age of three, children have a natural sense of awe, wonder, love and appreciation for life. Unfortunately, as kids grow older, their natural appreciation fades in response to all the bumps and bruises of life. For this reason, I believe it's imperative to teach our children habits that express gratitude and appreciation. Gratitude doesn't come naturally and yet, it's a very important skill.

Adults also need to practice these skills. It's so easy to focus on the negative. Bad news sells and the newspapers and TV understand that. It's human nature to focus on what's missing or what needs fixing or what could be better - as a way to prepare or protect ourselves and our loved ones.

In the Jewish religion, there's a wonderful series of gratitude prayers recited in the morning after waking up. There's even a gratitude prayer to recite after using the toilet! That prayer expresses appreciation for health and for body parts that work the way they're supposed to. Jewish tradition recommends saying 100 prayers of gratitude each day! To help you out, they have a prayer for every occasion you can think of and every activity throughout the day - there's even one for tragedy.

When positive behavior doesn't come naturally, the Jewish belief is that it's better to behave in a positive manner even if you don't feel positive inside. Fake it 'till you make it. Practice makes perfect. Just do it. These are popular sayings that come from that same idea: that we can deeply change ourselves from the inside by simple, daily actions - whether we feel like doing them or not.

The following are a few tips for enhancing your personal experience of gratitude. Pick on and practice it for a few days and see how it changes your perspective.

1. At the end of your day, write down at least 3 things for which you are grateful.
2. When you wake up in the morning, immediately focus your mind on appreciation for being blessed with another day (whether you feel it or not -just pretend - I've heard it said that hypnosis is imagination and pretend).
3. Stop in the midst of your day and sit down, take a deep breath and look around you.
4. Notice the sound of your children's voices when they're talking to you.
5. Look at your child's face when he/she is sleeping.
6. Go for a walk and feel the breeze on your skin.
7. Find some trees or play some music, dance to music, walk in nature or go to the beach.
8. Create a family gratitude journal and make it a practice to record something from each member at dinnertime once a week or once a month.

There are many little things we can do to enhance our gratitude on a daily basis. One of the more important jobs of being a mother lies in being a role model for the expression of gratitude. Our children need to know how much we appreciate them and how important it is to count our blessings.

©2006 Allison Gilbert, M.A., L.M.F.T.; Free Tips
www.MothersHaveNeedsToo.com

It's a Job

It's a Job

Pregnant moms often hear, "Your life is going to change!" But most of us don't really understand. I was shocked when I came home with my first baby. I remember wanting to run away. I wanted my old life back. I wanted my independence.

On the other hand, I couldn't imagine being away from this baby for one minute. Nor could I imagine anyone else being able to take care of him with as much love and devotion as I had. So there remains the dilemma. For the first time in my life, I couldn't run away. This was this first job in my life I couldn't quit.

I found a book called, "What's a Smart Woman Like You Doing at Home?" It helped to validate what I was feeling and gave me the encouragement to stay home and not run away. This book led me to the monthly newsletter, "Welcome Home" which was another way I supported myself with some new ideas about the job of motherhood.*

Slowly, my perspective on my situation started to change. I began to think of this time with my baby as if I were growing a business! (Like the true daughter of feminism that I am!) I asked myself, how many years would you give toward creating a new business? How many years would you expect to put in before realizing some profit? You would give yourself over to a new business venture, right? Then why not give the same to your child?

I could see that my child needed me and my child's growth and development was the most important thing in the world to me. A breakthrough came when I realized that caring for my child was a job. It was a job that could give great meaning to my life.

If you think about motherhood as a new job, then you might be better able to rise to the occasion. Give yourself a year or two. Put your time in. Remember how you felt the last time you started a new job? Remember how long it took to figure out how to work it? This is the same. Eventually you get the hang of it and you begin to enjoy yourself and feel comfortable and secure.

No one ever said on their death bed, "Gee, I wish I'd have spent more time at the office." Remind yourself how quickly time passes. Soon your child(ren) will be in school and you'll have 6 hours a day to yourself - so much free time, you won't know what to do! It does get easier as they get older. But understand this: if you are going to have more than one child, you might be on the motherhood job for 5 - 10 years before they are all in school for 6 hours a day.

People say that your life will change when you have kids, but one thing we just don't get until we are in it: life will change forever. It's a huge commitment, but I challenge you to find another endeavor that is more important than this one.

*The monthly newsletter "Welcome Home" is no longer published but 40 of the articles from that newsletter are included in the workbook that comes with my workshop. Click on this page to learn more: Workshop & SupportGroup

©2006 Allison Gilbert, M.A., L.M.F.T.; Free Tips
www.MothersHaveNeedsToo.com

Accomplish One Thing

Accomplish One Thing

Losing Momentum
In the beginning stages of motherhood, you may look back wistfully on your previous life and think, "I used to be able to accomplish so many things!" With very small kids, just taking a daily shower can be a major accomplishment. Days may go by where it seems like you get nothing done.

I think that wakeful babies are nature's way of slowing a mother down. Your world gets very small when you're sleep-deprived. You're forced to shrink your to-do list. If you can accomplish one thing today, like doing a load of laundry or taking a shower or running to the post office or taking a walk, it's enough. Recommendation: shrink your to-do list to one "accomplishment" per day.

Re-Defining Accomplishments
In fact, what are you counting as an "accomplishment"? Are you tired? That could be a sign you've been very busy indeed. I know, it feels like you haven't done anything all day! There's a pile of dishes in the sink and all the clothes need washing and the carpet needs vacuuming and the stack of bills is calling and you wanted to organize that shelf...

Think about this: if you are the mother of a toddler, you are on the job non-stop with no lunch breaks! And that's just when your little one is awake. You may also be on the job, parenting, instead of sleeping at night. So you are accomplishing a lot and your job is very important. If you didn't do it, who would? And how would life be for your child if you weren't on this job?

Your New Accomplishments
Surrender to the job at hand and leave the old accomplishments behind. Enjoy being out of the rat race and embrace your present, more important work. Get down on the floor and play or listen to what your older child is trying to tell you about his day. Change a diaper, clothe, wipe up the spills, feed, resolve a conflict, sleep, carpool, teach, volunteer, be a role model, love...

You have a new and different job now that may seem like it's not accomplishing much, but it may require more out of you than the old one did. The best part about this job is that you get to be "unproductive" for awhile which can feel like lots of down time if you allow it to. Plus, you get all that love, hugs and kisses too.

©2006 Allison Gilbert, M.A., L.M.F.T.; Free Tips
www.MothersHaveNeedsToo.com