Thursday, November 19, 2009

A Bad Economy's Effects on Stay at Home Mothers

Mothers Need Support

Unfortunately, in this economy, mothers are going to be more reluctant to ask for what they need. New moms, especially those who’ve just given birth, are consumed by work that allows very little time to make money. Stay at home moms make it their primary vocation to raise children - a vocation that pays zero income even though it's a job that benefits all of society and effects the future of our world. Rarely do women start their families with money in the bank. So with no financial resources to fall back on, mothers need financial support from somewhere.

Who's Going to Give It?

You’d think that when a woman is in this type of vulnerable position, caring for a newborn or tending to small children, she should be able to depend on her husband to pick up the slack. But in these times, with couples having to budget very carefully, it will be even more difficult for a mother to ask for what she needs.

It’s a 24/7 Job

Mother’s work is 24/7 with no paycheck. It can be demanding work that involves physical labor. In any job, but especially a job that requires physical labor, we need to take breaks and time off in order to do it well. In my work with mothers, I’ve seen over and over how challenging it can be for them to take care of themselves and to take time away from the job. Especially in these economic times a mother may find it difficult to ask her husband for the money required to get a break - which usually invoves paying for alternative forms of childcare and housekeeping.

Suggestions for Moms

Here are some suggestions to help stay at home moms ask their husbands for money during these difficult times:

1. Don’t ask permission for what you need and want. Get it in your mind that his money is your money too. You work very hard for it, 24/7. If you didn’t care for his children, who would? And what would he have to pay that person to do the work you're doing?

2. You need to be able to have a monthly or weekly or daily amount to spend without having to discuss it with your husband. When I had babies, I told my husband that I wasn't willing to have to ask him for money every time I needed to go to the grocery store. And I didn't have the patience or time to even go to the bank! So what worked for us was to have a wad of cash hidden in our home somewhere that both of us could take money from as needed and that he replenished as it dwindled down. It's important that you both decide on what your budget is and then stay within that budget without having to keep tabs on each other.

3. For bigger purchases, aside from the daily, ongoing expenses you might have, it's crucial to learn how to communicate without asking for permission. First, get real clear about what you want or need and make sure you're serious about it. Next, pick a time when he’s in a good mood, relaxed, and feeling close to you. Using “right timing” is not being manipulative, just practical. No one can really hear anything when they’ve got other problems interfering.

4. Give him directions. Let him know what you want without asking him if it’s ok with him. Generally, men respond better to directions. Women are used to getting agreement and consensus before moving forward with something that affects others. But in this case, you need to believe you deserve whatever you are asking for and not feel the need to convince him. You need to also know that getting what you want benefits him too. Come from that place: expect he would, of course, understand that. You don’t have to say, “this will help you too,” but instead, you can say, “this way I can prevent myself from becoming depleted, depressed, tired, etc., and will instead be able to do my job well.” The job you do raising your children needs to be done well.

I'm not saying go ahead and do whatever you want and spend whatever you want whether he disagrees or not. Sometimes, no matter how you approach him, he may disagree. Then you can decide whether what you're wanting is worth going for or not even without his agreement. But you can give yourself a better chance of gaining his support by using the skills outlined above. Tell your husband what you want and need. He wants you to be well so you can take care of everyone, including him! In the end, the entire family wins when you get what you need too.

Allison Gilbert, LMFT - ©2009 www.AllisonGilbert.net & http://www.MothersHaveNeedsToo.com Go to her website and ask for an article on communication entitled, “The Sandwich Technique”.


Thursday, October 29, 2009

"Holiday Season" Tips for Jewish Mothers

When my son was little, we attended a co-op preschool down in Manhattan Beach where the sole curriculum was “conflict resolution”. As a result of this, none of their art centers contained any holiday references. The children never even came home with a Mother’s or Father’s Day card in case one of their students didn’t have both parents in their lives.


We returned to Santa Cruz in time for my son to start kindergarten. I soon discovered that Santa Cruz had an entirely different policy about holidays. To my amazement, one of the kindergarten teachers had a Christmas tree in her classroom! Then during the springtime, at my daughter’s co-op preschool, I was again confronted by the different policy. One of the art centers contained stickers of bunnies and Easter eggs. When I brought this to the attention of the teacher, her response was, “Those aren’t religious symbols.”


It’s interesting to note that people have differing beliefs about what may or may not be religious symbols. There won’t be a Menorah downtown this year because some thought it was inappropriate to have a religious symbol by the post office. Despite this, I’m sure that there will be plenty Christmas related symbols throughout the downtown this year. Lights, trees, bells, holly and more are displayed all over town in schools, stores, and other public places.


So rather than beat them, I say let’s join them. Most often Jews are a bit shy about public displays of religiosity due to all the anti-Semitism that we’ve encountered. So here’s a way to stand up with pride, along with some strategies for Jewish families with little children. These tips help kids delight in their Jewish identity despite being bombarded by all the fun, brightly colored, and beautiful holiday symbols that just don’t belong to them.


1. When school starts, let the teacher know ahead of time that your child is Jewish and may be absent on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur (our holiday season). Ask for a little consideration and to please not plan any fun and exciting special projects on those days so your child won’t feel left out. Ask the school board and your principal to put the holidays in their school calendar so teachers are aware of them.


2. Around Hanukah, ask your child’s teacher if you can come in to the classroom to make latkes. The children love them! I’ve had kids ask me year after year if I was going to make latkes and I’ve had parents thank me for doing it. If you want, turn this into a cooking lesson. Make it easy on yourself by purchasing bags of frozen shredded potatoes and minced onion from the supermarket. Or simply make them at home and bring them in already warm. Read the Hanukah story from a picture book while they eat. You can even light a menorah to make it truly exciting. After the children are done eating, teach them how to play dreidle. Peanuts in the shell work really well for the kitty – if there are no peanut allergies.


3. Have a latke party at home and invite friends and relatives. Chocolate gelt can be used to play dreidle with. In our family, each person has their own menorah to light. My daughter made a gorgeous menorah one year on top of a square of granite. You’ll need lots of candles for all those menorahs but the light is worth it. After lighting, march around your table, like Maccabees singing Chanukah songs. Did you know that it’s a tradition for Jewish women to simply sit at the table and enjoy the light while the candles burn? Get all your cooking and serving done first and enjoy this relaxing 20 minute-meditation-mitzvah for women only!


4. Use books and CDs to help your children get into the holiday spirit. There are many children’s books that tell the story of Hanukah. One of my favorite picture books is called, “Festival of Lights, The Story of Hanukkah” by Maida Silverman. My daughter always loved the sticker book, “Melly’s Menorah” by Amye Rosenberg. For older children, there is a chapter book called, “Jason’s Miracle: A Hanukkah Story” by Beryl Lieff Benderly. For even older kids and adults, there’s a book called, “The Complete Story of Chanukah” by Nissan Mindel. The best CD I’ve found for Jewish holidays is, “To Life! Chanukah and Other Jewish Celebrations”. Cindy Paley also has a nice Chanukah CD and “A Singing Seder” for Passover – check out mostlymusic.com.


5. Being with other Jewish children helps your child know he/she is not alone in celebrating holidays that are different from most of the other children in school. Community can be found at Temple Beth El, Kol Tefillah, Chadeish Yameinu and Chabad by the Sea. In addition, there are many places for you to learn more about Judaism. My favorite place to go is ChabadbytheSea.com where there are tons of articles, mp3 downloads and videos – all for free. But even if you only know alef, start there, you can teach your children “alef”.


When they’re confronted by the gorgeous, glittery and glowing holiday symbols that permeate our society during the “holidays”, know that you can give your kids something they can enjoy that’s all their own. Children are content to know that some holidays belong to others when they have something special that belongs to them. You can succeed in imparting the very best that Judaism has to offer by enjoying the many Jewish holidays throughout the year. They may not have the glamour and glitter but they can provide your children with deep meaning and miracles, a sense of values, and a heritage they can take immense pride in.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Protect Your Children From Cell Phones

This is an important issue that I wanted to be sure to have on this website. The fact is, cell phones are well loved by so many people and especially, children. But not many people want to accept the fact that they may be dangerous. The problem is that children love phones and I've seen many babies in my classes given a cell phone to teethe on.

Unfortunately, the incidence of brain cancer in children has grown faster than any other cancer. Low level radiation is suspect. It can be found emitting from your cell phone, wireless computer, cordless phone, tv, radio, clock, electric blanket and the cell tower that lurks close to your home. Cell towers can also be found next to your children's school where we had a second one placed just weeks before a child aged 10, died of a brain tumor.

I've taken a few measures to protect myself and my loved ones. The computer I am typing on is completely wired: the keyboard, the mouse, the internet. I turn off my cell phone unless I need to call someone - which is rarely. If I do use it, I have it in speaker-phone mode and hold it away from my body and don't touch the antennae. My kids don't own their own cell phones and when my son who's 14 needs to have one, I give him mine, turned off, and he's instructed on using the speaker phone when he needs to call us. I am in the process of fighting the proliferation of cell phone towers in my city and county - and especially those placed next to schools.

The following article from Dr. Mercola is an important one for any parent to read. Click on the link directly below this and you'll see a video news report out of the UK.


http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2008/08/26/cell-phone-dangers-what-they-don-t-want-you-to-see.aspx?source=nl




Cell Phone Dangers --
What They Don't Want You to See

You need to see this video about the rapidly emerging
dangers from cell phone radiation. (Please go to the
website for the video)

Here Dr. Charlie Tia, a preeminent Australian
neurosurgeon discusses what he believes is a contributing
factor to this exponential increase in brain tumors among
children: excessive exposure to electromagnetic fields (EMF),
and electromagnetic radiation (EMR) from mobile phones and other electrical and electronic equipment and appliances.







Dr. Mercola's Comments:

Few people realize this, but brain cancer has now surpassed leukemia as the number one cancer killer in children.

Australia has seen an increase in pediatric brain cancers of 21 percent in just one decade. This is consistent with studies showing a 40 percent brain tumor increase across the board in Europe and the U.K. over the last 20 years.

Today, we are quite literally awash in an invisible sea of radio frequencies (RF) and electromagnetic fields (EMF). Sources include home electrical wiring, electrical appliances such as TVs, electric blankets, electric alarm clocks, high tension electrical wires, and certainly mobile phones. More and more people are even reporting being “allergic” to EMF and radio waves.

In the video above, Dr. Tia states that for some reason, some people are more susceptible to the damage caused by EMR and radio frequencies than others, but that all children are at a much greater risk than adults.

But just HOW are electromagnetic fields and information-carrying radio waves capable of causing damage in your body?

Radiation 101



Radio Frequencies (RF), Electro Magnetic Fields (EMF) and X-rays are all produced by electromagnetic sources, and are part of the electromagnetic spectrum. The difference between them is the frequency of their source.

Frequency is measured in hertz (Hz), which is the number of times a wave changes direction—by oscillating up and down—per second. 1 Hz, therefore, means one wave-cycle per second. 1 megahertz (MHz) equals 1,000,000 Hz (wave-cycles) per second.

All electromagnetic energy falls somewhere on the electromagnetic spectrum, ranging from extremely low frequency (ELF) radiation to microwaves, x-rays and gamma rays.

ELF fields include household appliances and overhead power lines. Scientists agree that ELF fields are hazardous to human health. They are considered ‘probable carcinogens’, and have been linked to cases of childhood leukemia, which used to be the biggest cancer killer among children – until now.

It’s a proven fact that at extremely high frequencies, like that of x-rays, the electromagnetic waves have enough force to damage ionic and covalent bonds and damage DNA and other human tissue. This is known as ionizing radiation. Since X-rays have the power to damage the genetic material of cells, they can lead to cancer and birth defects—which is why you wear a lead vest during x-rays to protect the surrounding areas from unnecessary damage.

At lower frequencies, such as the microwave range used by mobile phones and base stations, the energy emitted is too low to damage chemical bonds (non-ionizing radiation). This is the primary argument used by those who believe that cell phone radiation is completely harmless and choose to live in ignorant bliss and refuse to change their unhealthy behavior.

Although extremely low frequencies (ELF’s emitted from appliances and power lines) and extremely high frequencies (ultraviolet and gamma rays) are known to be carcinogenic, the scientific community is extremely hesitant to attach any kind of danger to the in-between frequencies where cell phones operate.

ALWAYS Remember How Truth Evolves

I think it is important to stop and remind you how nearly every scientific advance evolves through the system: As I’ve said before, change is inevitable, and truth generally wins out in the end.

I believe Arthur Schopenhauer said it best when he declared that all truths go through three phases:

  • First, it is ridiculed
  • Second, it is violently opposed
  • Finally, it is accepted as self-evident

So it is not at all surprising that most all “experts” refute the increasing evidence that is coming forth. Please remember that they also did this with cigarettes.

Can You Hear Me Now?” – Modulated Radio Waves are All Around You

The transmitter in your phone operates on about 0.75 watt (or much less, if you're close to a base station) to 1 watt of power, with 2 W at peak usage. This electric current running through the transmitter circuit also creates an electromagnetic field around it. As the electric current moves back and forth, the fields continue to build and collapse, forming electromagnetic radiation.

Thus, cell phone radiation is generated in the transmitter, and is emitted through the antenna in the form of radio waves. In the case of cell phones, the frequencies of these radio waves fall in the low microwave range.

Most experts base their cell phone safety recommendations on the basic sinusoidal wave, also known as a “carrier signal." However, what they fail to recognize is that the danger does not come just from the carrier wave but also from a modulated signal that actually carries the data or your voice, which operates at a different frequency than the carrier signal.

The problem is that many of your body’s processes also operate in this frequency range.

In fact, your cells are loaded with receptors that specifically respond to these signals. So when you are exposed to these information carrying radio waves, the receptors are stimulated. Once that happens the delicate microtubular connections between your cells become impaired.

These crucial intercellular connections are responsible for communication between your cells. Once they start to fail, your cells “lock up” and retain far more heavy metals and free radicals, which can wreak havoc in your body.

One of the main concerns associated with cell phone use is that the phone is pressed to your head. Since electromagnetic radiation shoots out—at the speed of light—in all directions, this radiation can penetrate into your brain. And, as I discussed in another recent article, Cancer Institute Warns of Cell Phone Risks, electromagnetic radiation can penetrate almost straight through the entire brain of a 5-year old child.

Newer Technology More Harmful Than Older Ones

Making matters worse, modern Digital Service and PCS cell phones—as opposed to analog cell phones—have two additional low frequency magnetic fields associated with them.

“Time division multiple access” (TDMA), is one of the systems currently used to increase the number of people who can communicate simultaneously with a base station. The process of TDMA results in a continuous low frequency pulsing at 8 to 34 Hz. Some phones also have the energy-saving discontinuous transmission mode (DTX), which emits yet a third, even lower frequency that pulses at 2 Hz when the user is listening and not speaking.

Since extremely low frequency radiation (ELF) has been shown to cause cancer—like leukemia—these additional ELF’s raise new questions.

Many warn that our current technology is in fact far more dangerous in this respect than previous analog models.

How Information-Carrying Radio Waves Impact Your Body

Although cell phone radiation is of low intensity, it is the oscillatory similarity between this pulsed microwave radiation and certain electrochemical activities within your body that raises serious concerns, according to the study Physics and biology of mobile telephony, published in The Lancet.

Your body is essentially a very sensitive electromagnetic instrument, controlled by highly complex and orderly oscillatory electrical processes. Each one of these electro-biological processes vibrate at a specific frequency—some of which happen to be close to those used in modern GSM cell phone technology.

The pulsating, low-intensity microwaves from mobile phones can exert subtle, non-thermal influences on the human biology simply because microwaves are waves. As such, they have properties other than just intensity (which is the only part regulated by safety guidelines).

Therefore, much in the same way as a radio can receive interference, your biological processes can be interfered with by the oscillatory aspect of the incoming radiation.

Highly organized electrical processes at the cellular level are especially vulnerable to interference from cell phone radiation, because their frequency happens to fall within the microwave range.

Many of these biological activities are influenced by your metabolism, meaning the effect of the radiation will be different from one person to another.

The effect could also depend on the type of cell phone used, as different cell phones emit radiation at different frequencies.

Ultra-low intensity microwaves can affect processes as fundamental as cell division, and the TDMA frequencies of 8-34 Hz, and the DTX pulse frequency at 2 Hz, correspond to the frequencies of alpha and delta brain waves.

Therefore, your body has a two-fold sensitivity to cellular phone signals:

    1. The microwave radiation itself, plus
    2. The lower frequency oscillations of the TDMA and DTX signals.

In addition to that, there’s also the packet rate of newer 3G phones, which is 250 Hz. One good example of how someone may be vulnerable to the non-thermal electromagnetic influence is the ability of a flashing light (at about 15 Hz) to induce seizures in people with photosensitive epilepsy. It’s not the energy absorption itself that causes the seizure. Rather it’s because the brain recognizes the information being transmitted via the pulsating light, since it’s delivered at a frequency your brain uses.

How Tissue Damage Can Occur Without Heat

In 2004, a Swedish physicist named Bo Sernelius, stumbled across a surprising finding that suggests non-thermal mobile phone radiation can cause a massive increase in the forces that living cells exert on each other. He discovered that electromagnetic forces might act on cells by affecting the attractive forces between them, without thermal heating.

How?

Water molecules have poles of positive and negative electrical charge that create attractive forces between cells, known as van der Waals forces.Van der Waals forces are much weaker than chemical bonds. And, whereas chemical bonds need high frequency ionizing radiation in order to break, van der Waals forces are disrupted by much smaller thermal fluctuations. These intermolecular forces may be weak, but without them, life as we know it would be impossible.

Sernelius found that the water molecules inside cells will try to align their positive and negative poles with the alternating field produced by cell phone radiation. The result? They all end up pointing in the same direction, and this strengthens the van der Waals forces.

In the fields of 850 MHz (around the frequency used by mobile phones), the van der Waals forces leap—from a billionth-billionth of a Newton, to micro Newton strength—a massive jump of around 11 orders of magnitude.

Although it’s still only theoretical, this may be the missing link when trying to explain tissue damage from non-ionizing, non-thermal radiation. Stronger attractive forces between cells can also make them clump together, and cause blood vessels to contract.

Why Children are More Susceptible to Damage

A 2006 study performed by the University of Helsinki in Finland, found that EMF from mobile phones at 902 MHz has an adverse effect on children’s memory and recognition, when measured by EEG.

Preadolescent children are particularly vulnerable because absorption of GSM microwaves is greatest in an object about the size of a child’s head, due to the “head resonance” effect. This is also why 900 MHz cordless phones are not safe, even though they aren’t transmitting all the time.

Radiation can also penetrate the thinner skull of an infant much more easily, which is why wireless baby monitors are such a menace, and should be avoided as well.

Additionally, the repetition frequencies of the TDMA and the DTX lie in the range of the alpha and delta brainwaves respectively. In a child, the alpha waves don’t replace delta waves as a stable activity until they’re about 12 years old.

Children’s immune systems are also degraded by this kind of radiation, making them more susceptible to illnesses of ALL kinds.

I’ve written more and more about this issue over the past two years, including an entire book on the subject, which is due out in 2009, as I truly believe this is a public health disaster waiting to be unleashed – much like smoking turned out to be.

For my best recommendations on how to protect yourself and your children, please see this link.



Related Articles:






Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Emotional Freedom with EFT

A Cool Self-Help & Therapy Tool


Wouldn’t it be nice to be able to lessen the impact of traumatic situations? The Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) work especially well with simple issues. All that’s needed is time to focus on your pain while lightly tapping on specific points on your face and upper body.


The tapping points come from the ancient science of Chinese medicine. For example, an Acupuncturist uses needles on these points to balance and heal your body. In EFT, we tap on these points while focusing the mind on a bothersome situation, difficult feeling, or old trauma. It’s as if we’re doing “emotional acupressure”.


I became interested in this technique when I learned it works well to eliminate headaches and migraines. When I started working with it though, I realized how useful it can be for simple emotional upsets like embarrassing situations, arguments, or fears.


What’s great about this technique is that most of the time, it can be used like any self-help tool – by yourself, for yourself. At other times, though, it’s a good idea to get assistance from someone who has expertise in using EFT. Especially if your issues are very deep and complex, it’s nice to have an expert to support you.


How EFT Works


Did you know that the body holds memories? One way we protect ourselves from difficult experiences is by storing them in an unconscious place in the body. Have you ever noticed how your neck and shoulders tighten when you’re stressed? Or maybe your tummy starts doing summersaults when you’re scared? It could be that the body holds onto unresolved issues for us until we have solutions to them.


The person who developed EFT, Gary Craig, theorized that the negative feelings we experience come from blockages in the meridian energy pathways that are associated with Chinese medicine. When we experience a difficult situation in our lives, it’s like a shock goes through the body and these pathways get blocked. To help us understand this blockage, Lindsay Kinney, Life Coach and EFT Master says the blocks in these meridians are like a kink in a hose. Tapping gently on the beginnings of these meridians while focusing on our feelings, unblocks the kink.


New Energy, New Solutions


When the energy that’s been blocked starts to flow again, new ideas and solutions can come to you. At the beginning of the tapping process, you allow yourself to simply vent. Then once that’s out of the way (or the kink is unblocked), you may find yourself open to new possibilities that automatically come to mind. Stay aware of what’s going on inside of you. Then, as you entertain these new possibilities while tapping, it’s like you’re downloading into your very being, new ways of approaching your issues. So not only does EFT allow the negative feelings to be validated and expressed, but it allows you to reinforce any positive affirmations that come to you as you tap.



It’s Free


The best part about EFT is that you can practice it in the comfort of your own home with a manual that can be downloaded for free. As long as you familiarize yourself with the basic steps, you can innovate and you’re never doing it wrong. Gary Craig’s site contains tons of articles where people share their own innovations with the technique along with experiences, methods and examples of just about any issue, topic or physical malady you could imagine. Many of the practitioners have articles posted on their websites too where you can get even more help.


Good luck tapping!


View the 7-minute EFT Introduction Video

Tapping Points Lindsay's "Power" tapping points

EFT Basic Instructions - Step by Step tapping instructions

Gary Craig’s original Free Manual: http://www.emofree.com/downloadeftmanual.asp

Coaching for your tapping: http://www.MothersHaveNeedsToo.com/EmotionalFreedomEFT.htm

Sunday, November 4, 2007

Mothers Have Needs Too!

Mothers Have Needs Too!

Mother's work is 24/7 with no bathroom breaks. The job requires wisdom, intelligence, patience, skill, physical labor, & inner strength, yet gives little recognition & no pay. In fact, the world gets a free ride on the backs of dedicated mothers willing to perform this selfless service out of the deep and abiding love they have for their children.


You Are Important!

Women have a natural talent and skill to be nurturers. This allows them to be able focus on the needs of others. Some women have the knack for knowing just how to meet other's needs before they are even articulated. This is a skill that fosters safety and security in the children who are lucky enough to have nurturing mothers. It enables children to grow in self-confidence and self-esteem. Unfortunately, this skill can sometimes make it hard for mothers to remember to occasionally focus on themselves.

The danger is that if you don't meet your own needs, mothering can become a drain of precious energy. You might find that your patience grows thin and your marriage becomes strained or you may find yourself resenting the job of motherhood. The entire family can lose when their source of emotional support is unable to be there with the enthusiasm that is needed. You are an important lifeline for your family. When you are caring for others in this way, you will need to get support for yourself to continue to do this job well.

Mothers Need Support
Our culture values independence. The word, "dependence" is usually associated with the weak and powerless. When you become a mother, you become dependent in a lot of ways but this doesn't necessarily mean you have to be weak and powerless. In fact, if you are raising young children, you couldn't possibly be weak and powerless. It takes a lot of strength to raise children and to manage a household. Giving birth itself takes physical and emotional strength. After giving birth, your body will need to recover as you transition into the new life of caring for a baby. People bring packages of food and sometimes a parent or in-law will stay to help. This is a fact of family life - we are interdependent with one another and we care for and about each other. Your parents and husband and extended family care for you as you care for your children and eventually you will care for your parents as they age, just as your children will care for you. (See In The Shelter Of Each Other, by Mary Pipher)

The tricky thing about all this is to know how to care for yourself when you are a caregiver. Sometimes it's simply knowing how to ask for support when you need it. Caregiving can be an all-consuming occupation where the focus is on the other person's needs, be that person a child or an elder. It can be exhausting and isolating. Caregivers benefit from the support of others so that they can do their job well. This is where family, support groups, parenting classes, co-ops, therapy groups, private psychotherapy or
counseling can help. Getting the support you need can make all the difference in your caregiving.


Support Groups and Psychotherapy

Support groups and co-ops are ways to find peers to support you through this time in your life. The isolation will be broken when you find that there are other people who experience the same things that you do. You will be renewed through developing friendships and connections with others. Caring for yourself by having someone to talk to is invaluable for a mother. But sometimes there are things that are not very easy to discuss with friends and then it helps to have a counselor or therapist to talk to.

Counseling can help. Sometimes just knowing you have set aside this special time just for *you* can make all the difference in the world. When you get to talk to a psychotherapist or a counselor, your needs, feelings and questions are your only focus. Just having that uninterrupted time to be heard and to hear yourself can rejuvenate your whole outlook. You'll become better at meeting your own needs too. You'll begin to remember your values, interests and joys. Caring for yourself in this way reawakens a profound understanding of how important you are. You'll feel a renewed sense of pride in the job of motherhood and will have more energy to mother with love.

©2007 Allison Gilbert, LMFT www.MothersHaveNeedsToo.com

Saturday, November 3, 2007

Find Other Mothers

Find Other Mothers

When I had my first baby, I cared for him all alone. My mom worked and lived an hour away. My sister worked and lived even further away. My friends worked and paid for childcare. When I went to the local park, I was surrounded by Spanish - speaking nannies. There were no other kids or moms home in our neighborhood.

When I finally found other moms, my life changed for the better. I became a happier mom and my child benefited from interaction with other kids. The first way I found other moms was through a Mommy and Me class offered by the Adult School in our community. Just being able to get out and talk to another adult can be so energizing for a new mother. New mothers may have to make an effort to seek out other mothers but this task gets easier as children grow older and are in school.

Other moms can be a great support for mothers. You get tips and ideas you weren't able to think of on your own. Or you might get some encouragement to move forward with the ideas you already had but were afraid to try. When you feel comfortable enough to reveal your own insecurities to another mom, you will discover you are not alone. Other moms will help you see that the challenges of being a mother are universal and that we can all find our own way through them.

Here are some places where you can connect with other moms:

Support Groups: There are many support groups in Santa Cruz. Many communities now have a local parent newspaper or magazine. Check out the hospitals or look in the calendar sections of newspapers - especially "Growing Up in Santa Cruz." I also have a workshop/support group that I teach periodically. Find out more about the workshop on this page.

Yahoo Groups/Discussion Forums: There are several yahoo groups that I am aware of in Santa Cruz and the surrounding areas. These groups share info and meet for walks and celebrations.
"Sutter Grads", "Boulder Creek Family Network" and "santacruzbabiesFall2007" are a few of the names I know.
Here are some links and email addresses I am aware of:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/santacruzbabies2007fall/
santacruzmommy@yahoogroups.com
santacruzjews@yahoogroups.com
cruznbabies@yahoogroups.com
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/cruzmoms2007/
Another wonderful place to have discussion with other mothers is www.MayasMom.com where you'll find groups on an assortment of different topics.

Co-Ops: As soon as your child is 2 or 3, you may be able to join a local co-op preschool. Co-ops are preschools where parents are required to stay on certain days to help the teacher. Sometimes they will combine preschool with parent education. So you'll get to learn parenting skills while you hang around for your toddler's first school experience. Co-ops are a lot of fun and they are a great place to meet other moms. Contact them early since they fill up fast.

Classes: Parenting classes, Yoga classes, exercise classes, art classes, music classes, mommy and me classes - try out any class you can find that interests you or your child.

Churches & Temples: Many families gravitate toward communities that will enrich their child's spiritual and moral education. You will find a source of support and a way to connect with parents who may have the same values as you do. Churches and Temples always seem to place a strong value on children and families.

Parks: Depending on the town you live in, parks can be a great place to meet other moms with kids. If one park doesn't work, try a different one in another neighborhood. Strike up a conversation by asking the other mother about her child's age or if she has her child in school yet or what plans she has around schooling.

Other moms can be a vital resource for your important work at home. You deserve to be supported and develop connections with others that enrich you. The connections you make for yourself can strengthen you and help you create a community for your family. Do something good for yourself and your family this week - find some other mothers.

©2006 Allison Gilbert, M.A., L.M.F.T; Free Tips
www.MothersHaveNeedsToo.com

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Friday, November 2, 2007

Rewrite Your Job Description

Rewrite Your Job Description

My workshop flyer lays out the mother's job description with some humor, though for most of us, it does sound familiar: work 24/7 for no pay...managing daily complaints from very small clients. (See full job description here.) Writing a job description for the at-home mother is in fact, one of the workshop's goals.

Fulfillment on the Job
The workbook materials contain lots of great articles written by mothers. One insightful article, "Am I the Manager or the Maid?" by Janet Dittmer, shows how useful it is to simply change your job description from being the maid to being the manager of your household.

Transforming the Challenges
Rewriting your job description can resolve many of the challenges we experience as mothers. Do you feel overwhelmed? Frustrated? Depressed? Worthless? Isolated? Depleted? The workshop addresses these challenges by helping you rewrite your job description. Below is an outline of how that's done in each session.

Transforming Frustration & Depression

Session 1: Look at your expectations of yourself as a mother. Are your expectations realistic or unrealistic? When your child is crying, does that mean you're a bad mother? When your house is messy, does that mean you've failed at this job? What do you expect of yourself and what do you expect from others? Unspoken expectations of others create resentment. Negotiate, speak up and ask for what you need - you just may get it.

Tackling Unworthiness

Session 2: Rewrite your job description so that it begins with the needs of your children. Rather than being overwhelmed by those needs, simply use the fact of your children needing you to validate your decision to be home with them.

Handling Overwhelm

Session 3: Next the workbook shows you a list of all the tasks a mother performs. From breastfeeding and holding to carpooling, scheduling dental appointments and dishwashing - the list fills two full pages. Think about the monetary value of each task. Decide which tasks you like, don't like, and which you can get help with.

Addressing Physical & Emotional Depletion

Session 4: What are your interests? Can you incorporate them into your daily tasks with your children? Or do you need to take some time away from the kids to be able to include your interests in your job description? Which interests have you put aside that you used to enjoy with your husband? Bring those interests back.

Breaking Isolation
Session 5: Creating community is also a task included in mother's job description. Where can you find the people you can share your lives with? The more support you have on the job, the better you'll do with it.

Generating Feelings of Self-Worth
Session 6: Your identity is an important component of rewriting your job description. Who are you now? What is your life about? How do you appraise your job performance at home?

Pride in Your Job
Rewrite your job description so you can validate your choice to be primary caregiver for your children. In a society that values people for what they can produce in the marketplace, it serves all of us to take pride in what we're producing at home. Feel good about your choice by meeting your own needs too.

©2007 Allison Gilbert, M.A., L.M.F.T.; Free Tips
www.MothersHaveNeedsToo.com